talk about a rollercoast

holy moly. the last few weeks [and the next few weeks] have been [will be] nuts. two weeks ago i had a big paper about alternative energy due. this week's big focus was finishing my honors project, which i successfully presented saturday morning! hooray! i did a comparative study on the Mignon lieder, which are songs inspired by some of Goethe's famous poetry. pretty interesting stuff, actually, and now all i have to do is write the big paper to accompany it, but i've already done most of my research.

this coming weekend is Hansel and Gretel, in which i play Hansel [it's a pants role]. incidentally, if you're in the rochester area this weekend, come on out! leave comments for info.

oy. this weekend was a blur. honors project yesterday morning [after 5 hours' sleep], market/bank run, bridal shower, quick nap, shower, voice lesson, orchestra concert, liquor store run for yummy wine, tim's band's show downtown, over to a friend's for chill time. today was a full day of chorale 'fun' after only 4 hours' sleep. mercifully we had a 2-hour bus ride each way that i used to its full sleeping potential. then i had rehearsal tonight, chatted a while with pea, and here i am. someone put my laundry in the drier for me; it was very nice of them.

on my heart's front, things are ok. i am remembering all the good things about being single [it's not like i was away from it for all that long]. Jesus and i had a really good chat last weekend when i was really upset it all. He reminded me that He wants to be where i thought chris should be--as that one, stable thing in my life. i do miss him though. sometimes it's frustrating because he is pretty sucky at being my friend, and he was all for being good friends and blah blah blah. sometimes i can't help just staring at him, which is probably not a good thing, but whatever. i don't know. i'm trying to let it go; i don't know why it's so hard.

i could probably write about 8 more pages about myself [because we all love talking about ourselves], but i really need to go to sleep. i haven't been sleeping nearly enough. goodnight!

juno

first of all, if you haven't seen that movie, go see it. i really enjoyed it.

second of all, one quote from that movie has stuck out in my mind has stuck out in my mind and i keep thinking about it:

In my opinion, the best thing you can do is find a person who loves you for exactly what you are. Good mood, bad mood, ugly, pretty, handsome, what have you, the right person will still think the sun shines out your [rear]. That's the kind of person that's worth sticking with.

[mac macguff, juno]

i keep thinking about this quote because this is what i want. someone to love me all the time, no matter what, and it is important that i don't settle or wish for things i can't have. because sometimes if you want something you shouldn't have, you don't realize there are probably better things waiting. and i want the better things.

also, i changed the swearword in there to 'rear' since i gave up swearing for lent and 'rear' is a funny word.

i want the better things.

thoughts in the car

how deeply must it wound our God when we distrust His strength and timing?

it is important that i enjoy this season of singularity [well, 'singleness,' but i enjoy the term 'singularity']. it will [hopefully] not last forever, but while it persists, i must use my freedom for good and bask in every second of it. this is a truly exceptional time in my life, and i must 'suck the marrow out' of every moment, as this season will eventually change to the next.

i really need to get better at quiet time/devotions. i always have good intentions, but i lack follow-through.

blah, blahg, blog

i know all i do is whine about my self in this blog. sorry everyone. but basically, this is my blog, and no one's making you read it. woot.

ever have a dream where you kiss someone you know or fall in love with a stranger? and then you wake up and you're slightly cranky because it didn't really happen? last night i had the former, and was kissing someone i used to kiss quite a bit. anyway, for some reason, this has made me feel like everyone is falling in love and maybe it's not in my cards. which brings on the being bummed out. i guess i think i will fall in love someday, but i still have trouble imagining someone falling in love with me. does that make sense? i'm sure i've written about this before, but i mean, if i think about all the times i've really liked someone...i guess i just have a hard time imagining someone liking as many things about me. i don't know. blah blah blah. i'm whiny tonight.

i miss being at school. well, not so much the stress levels, but the friends.

dear my heart,
please turn off until it's time to really fall in love. PLEASE. it's really no use for you to be pining away over some imaginary man in the meantime. so knock it off!
love,
me

gush, gush, gush

ugh. i have sucked at posting lately. things have been busy. my eastman audition was friday, temple was supposed to be today but i canceled (postponed?) it. so now i have to get all my orchestration homework/reading done before tomorrow. it's not even 11 yet, so i think i'm ok.

lately my heart has been at a weird intersection. for one, i've been far too busy to really have time to think about being lonely. also, i've been feeling really supported by my God, which is an amazing feeling and helps the heart immensely. however, i am sometimes lonely. despite the intense love i feel daily from my friends, i miss feeling like i'm above-and-beyond-special to someone, you know? i miss little "just thinking of you"s and being snuggled. oh, how i could use a good cuddle!

overall, i promise, i am so happy with life. it is so rich and full of meaning and love. my friends are more amazing than i can ever remember imagining or wishing for, and these "brothers" i have gained are...well, i have no words. i feel like i'm always gushing about them, but seriously, how much luckier could a girl get?

also, i would like to say this: how freaking amazing is Jesus? um, freaking amazing. it is so amazing to me how much i've changed in the past 6 months even. at the beginning of the summer, i was miss wild-child, i'm-going-to-be-crazy-and-you-can't-stop-me, and now, i just feel so much more content with life and i feel like i don't need to be crazy. i don't know if this even makes sense, but i am really appreciating feeling like i can really trust in the Lord. that phrase always seemed kind of overused, but really, the Lord is stronger than i could ever want to be, and if He can't handle it, help me get through whatever, help me have patience, help me get into grad school, help me pay for grad school...if He can't, then who? it is in His hands.

my voice teacher always prays that doors He wants open will open so no one will be able to shut them, and that doors He wants closed will be closed so that no one could open them.
that is my prayer too.

ergh

sometimes the more you talk or think about something or someone, the worse you feel about the whole sordid thing.

i need to learn how to shut off my brain/heart.

and why is it i want to fix fix fix? i see the broken. i see you broken. i see you were broken. you still are broken, i think, but i really want to help, want to be there.

i do not like the movie moulin rouge.

need me [or, on prayer]

i am seriously missing being missed and needed.

i think one of the most frustrating things in life is wanting something so truly and with so much of your heart and not getting it and not being able to do a single thing about it. if i am truly wishing with my heart, then why not?

also, on prayer. i need to get better at being faithful to my Lord. sometimes i forget to pray or i don't pray because i don't see a point--my praying isn't going to change God. in shadowlands, a film about cs lewis' life and marriage, he says at one point [played by anthony hopkins], "i don't pray because it changes God. i pray because it changes me. because i must. because it flows out of me." [or something close to that.] i feel like this is a good point, because clearly my pleadings aren't going to make God go, "oh, how silly I've been. I change My awesome and almighty mind now." my prayers should be changing and humbling me according to His grace and power. easier said than done. i don't always like to be changed and humbled. but i think i need to be.

if this desire in my heart is not of the Lord, i wish it would just leave, because it hurts to hope for a hopeless cause.

my heart literally feels heavy

sometimes anyway. lately, i can't decide if it's all the caffeine i take in, my body's way of dealing with stress, or some other external element, but my heart often feels physically weighed down in my chest. it's an odd sensation, i assure you, and all i can do is breathe in deeply and hope it subsides.

life seems weird lately. an odd balance of perfectly content and utter yearning. i am finally starting to feel at home in this city. i love my friends here [old and new]. i finally have a church i love. at times i am so joyful that i think i will burst, and then that sort of ebbs into this yearning for the things i lack. cliche as i know it is, i miss being in some kind of relationship. it's not even the snuggling and the kissing that i miss so much anymore, although that was what i felt most acutely for a long time, but i miss feeling emotionally taken care of. [shame on me for ending that sentence with a preposition.] i miss long talks [or peaceful silences] and phonecalls and feeling like there is some deep, unexplainable connection. now that i think about it, maybe it's not so much that i miss it [have i ever had that with a guy?], but i certainly long for it. i certainly do not take for granted the friends with whom i do have great conversation, in fact, i've been absolutely valuing my friendships more lately, but alas, these friends are women. i want to find that deep kinship with a man. feel protected, taken care of, loved. not that i am weak or fragile, but i want it to be ok to be weak or fragile. i think.

i'm not asking for a ring. or a pin. or a date. or to go steady. i just want to connect.

i guess i'm just frustrated that sometimes i feel like i want to share me with someone else, but whoever i seem to want to share with, doesn't really want to share with me.