talk about a rollercoast

holy moly. the last few weeks [and the next few weeks] have been [will be] nuts. two weeks ago i had a big paper about alternative energy due. this week's big focus was finishing my honors project, which i successfully presented saturday morning! hooray! i did a comparative study on the Mignon lieder, which are songs inspired by some of Goethe's famous poetry. pretty interesting stuff, actually, and now all i have to do is write the big paper to accompany it, but i've already done most of my research.

this coming weekend is Hansel and Gretel, in which i play Hansel [it's a pants role]. incidentally, if you're in the rochester area this weekend, come on out! leave comments for info.

oy. this weekend was a blur. honors project yesterday morning [after 5 hours' sleep], market/bank run, bridal shower, quick nap, shower, voice lesson, orchestra concert, liquor store run for yummy wine, tim's band's show downtown, over to a friend's for chill time. today was a full day of chorale 'fun' after only 4 hours' sleep. mercifully we had a 2-hour bus ride each way that i used to its full sleeping potential. then i had rehearsal tonight, chatted a while with pea, and here i am. someone put my laundry in the drier for me; it was very nice of them.

on my heart's front, things are ok. i am remembering all the good things about being single [it's not like i was away from it for all that long]. Jesus and i had a really good chat last weekend when i was really upset it all. He reminded me that He wants to be where i thought chris should be--as that one, stable thing in my life. i do miss him though. sometimes it's frustrating because he is pretty sucky at being my friend, and he was all for being good friends and blah blah blah. sometimes i can't help just staring at him, which is probably not a good thing, but whatever. i don't know. i'm trying to let it go; i don't know why it's so hard.

i could probably write about 8 more pages about myself [because we all love talking about ourselves], but i really need to go to sleep. i haven't been sleeping nearly enough. goodnight!

juno

first of all, if you haven't seen that movie, go see it. i really enjoyed it.

second of all, one quote from that movie has stuck out in my mind has stuck out in my mind and i keep thinking about it:

In my opinion, the best thing you can do is find a person who loves you for exactly what you are. Good mood, bad mood, ugly, pretty, handsome, what have you, the right person will still think the sun shines out your [rear]. That's the kind of person that's worth sticking with.

[mac macguff, juno]

i keep thinking about this quote because this is what i want. someone to love me all the time, no matter what, and it is important that i don't settle or wish for things i can't have. because sometimes if you want something you shouldn't have, you don't realize there are probably better things waiting. and i want the better things.

also, i changed the swearword in there to 'rear' since i gave up swearing for lent and 'rear' is a funny word.

i want the better things.

just nice

one big lesson i have learned in the past 6 months is this [heed my words, girls!]:

sometimes nice guys are just nice.

yes, that's right, you heard it here first. sometimes, sometimes, nice guys are just nice. they aren't trying to win your affections, though perhaps your friendship. they are not trying to get into your pants, though they certainly weasel their way into your heart.

the reason i bring this up is this: two of my very close girl friends and i have been smacked in the face with this realization in the past few months. we have come in contact with men who, under most scrutiny, would seem to be hopelessly in love with us (which i assure you is not the case). i personally believe that women today are nearly starved from any kind of genuine interest and caring from men unless that man is perhaps trying to win her romantically. gentlemanly conduct has been relegated, for the most part, to only the most serious of romantic pursuits. as such, any kind gesture we get from a man, be it a door politely opened, dishes washed without nagging after a home-cooked meal, calling just to say "hi"...we get all flustered and start shopping for rings.

i'm not saying that these things are not good and genuine and kind. they are, and that's what gets our little knickers in a twist! fully expecting these gestures to be indicative of some growing flame, we are quickly swept away by visions of taffeta and picket fences.

and that, friends, is where we get into trouble. sometimes. nice. guys. are. just. nice.
sometimes they call you to say hello. sometimes they do your dishes when you didn't ask them to. sometimes they stay up talking to you until all hours of the night. sometimes they meet you for dinner. sometimes they pick you up instead of meeting you across campus. sometimes they pay for things. sometimes they drop you off but instead of leaving, they sit in the car and talk to you for 45 minutes. sometimes they read you poetry and make you tea. sometimes, this is just in their nature. sometimes it's just in their friend-dna to treat a girl like a lady. sometimes you shouldn't read so much into it.

it's ok, girls. i know, the last time a man treated you like this, he wanted something else, didn't he? he didn't actually care about your day or want to put his hands in soapy water. i understand that it's confusing when guys who are actually just friends treat you this way. and how do you differentiate? i suggest you chant this new mantra in your head during all interactions with your guy-friends, for one thing. if you come to expect [at least some level of] thoughtfulness and take it as normality, you will a) quickly realize which of your guy friends are even worth spending time with, b) value yourself more highly as you realize you deserve to be treated with kindness and respect on a regular basis [!], and c) be truly excited and even more appreciative when someone does take the time to truly woo you. do higher expectations of men perhaps mean more disappointment? possibly. i get the feeling that if someone is going to really grab my attention in that department, he's going to have to really work for it.

but i'm ok with that.

sometimes you need to hear things like this from a legitimately cool guy

friend:

btw

[a.jane]?

1:52 PM don't ever think you're not beautiful

because you are

but you might be tempted to think otherwise

so

can it

and remember:

You rock, beautiful!


sometimes you just need someone to remind you.
thanks friend.

my utmost isn't much at the moment

as a kid i remember going to great lengths to convince my mother that i was sick the first day of school after christmas break. it usually worked, crying that i didn't know why i was sick, i just knew i couldn't possibly make it to school. irrational? of course. one would think that this would be merely a childhood anxiety--the need to have one "buffer day" before starting back into life. adults should be able to handle it, right?

unfortunately, this weird trait seems to have followed me into quasi-adulthood, and needless to say, i am freaking out right now. when this hits it's like i can't see a way out of schedules and deadlines, and i end up yearning for home--possibly not even the home that exists now, but the idea of "home" i still have in my head. even as i type this i am swallowing against stupid tears rising in my throat. what is going on with me?

perhaps if i write out everything that's stressing me out, it will just get it out of my head for a little. sorry readers. if anyone's even reading.

ok. stressers: grad school auditions start in 3 weeks, with a mini-performance of my pieces in 2 weeks. not only am i not sure exactly what i'm singing, i don't have it all even remotely learned and memorized.
also, i scheduled 2 auditions for a week that i thought was break in february, but turns out to be the week before break...so now i either have to miss a bunch of school or reschedule, but either way, my needing to be in philly for my temple audition, ann arbor for my u of m audition and all the other things in between adds up to about 30 hours in the car. not great for a) my car and b) my stamina.
next, i still need to [start] learn[ing] my role for this semester's opera. i was supposed to do it over break, but i was so busy that i had no time. that's what i'm telling myself anyway.
on top of all that, i'm supposed to be doing some dumb honors project this semester so i can wear the pretty stole at graduation. as much as i like the stole, i feel like getting into grad school and learning my role are far more important that graduating in the honors program (i'll still be graduation with honors, magna cum laude possibly actually), so i am highly unmotivated to do this project. plus i want to switch my topic, and i haven't done any work on it to begin with. so now i basically want to drop it, and my mother doesn't want me to, and it means confronting the scary honors professor and her trying to talk me out of it or giving me a tongue-lashing because i should have gotten my butt in gear a year ago. i know. [but really, who's going to care whether or not i was in the honors program in undergrad? few.]

perhaps the most distressing is the lonely ache my heart has taken on. ignited, i think, by unlikely [read: hopeless] earthly relationships, my heart is also remembering how much it needs Jesus. so i am determined to schedule more quality time with Him, and i am hoping He will sweep me off my feet. i actually started reading Oswald Chambers' My Utmost for His Highest [though i bought the book instead of opting for the online option], and i think it's a step in the right direction. finally, a devotion that i don't feel like is just fluff. and it's a great feeling to actually find myself valuing my devotional time and feeling like God is actually speaking to me through this man's words. i've also been reading [finally] C.S. Lewis' Narnia series, which is amazing to me. praise the Lord for providing all these words to speak to my heart.

of course, i suppose i still hope that someone on earth would sweep me off my feet too. i'm sure i'm wrong about my hopes concerning man i have in mind, but lately, spending time with him feels like being home. whatever home means.

i feel like i am breaking apart.

stupid heart.

"nice" guys

i was just reading this post on craigslist. it's a great little piece about how if women would just open up their eyes and see the nice guys around them and appreciate them, there would be more nice guys in the world. essentially.

however, after reading, i have this to say:
some of us have a different problem. our affliction is being attracted to the good guy in the first place and being treated, in return, with only sisterly affection.

this is not to say, of course, that all male-female friendships have to blossom into something more than friendship. that in itself is a ridiculous idea, and some people are much better suited to be friends than lovers. i think people can in fact be quite good at emotional closeness without it leading to physical intimacy. however, sometimes it's not the girl who is being the idiot. sometimes the guy doesn't realize what a catch he's got in his life and lets her go on being the good friend when the two could be so well-suited for one another.

i would like to be so bold as to suggest that not all women are intrinsically attracted to the so-called "bad boy," but may, actually, value a good man.

so what gives, good guys? why are you wasting your time on women who don't appreciate your goodness? it seems that perhaps you are the perpetrators here. you are wasting precious time trying to win obviously brainless women who prefer to have their hearts broken than see past someone's outward flaws when there are genuine and beautiful women under your noses waiting to be swept off their feet.

any thoughts?

let me in

...pretty please?

in other news--i forgot how much i liked to paint, even though my shins are now suffering the consequences of having steadied myself with them against the ladder for 4-ish hours yesterday morning.

in other other news, i am at a loss and need to just keep my mind off things.

i wrote a post earlier today. perhaps i will post it later. we'll see.

ergh

sometimes the more you talk or think about something or someone, the worse you feel about the whole sordid thing.

i need to learn how to shut off my brain/heart.

and why is it i want to fix fix fix? i see the broken. i see you broken. i see you were broken. you still are broken, i think, but i really want to help, want to be there.

i do not like the movie moulin rouge.

need me [or, on prayer]

i am seriously missing being missed and needed.

i think one of the most frustrating things in life is wanting something so truly and with so much of your heart and not getting it and not being able to do a single thing about it. if i am truly wishing with my heart, then why not?

also, on prayer. i need to get better at being faithful to my Lord. sometimes i forget to pray or i don't pray because i don't see a point--my praying isn't going to change God. in shadowlands, a film about cs lewis' life and marriage, he says at one point [played by anthony hopkins], "i don't pray because it changes God. i pray because it changes me. because i must. because it flows out of me." [or something close to that.] i feel like this is a good point, because clearly my pleadings aren't going to make God go, "oh, how silly I've been. I change My awesome and almighty mind now." my prayers should be changing and humbling me according to His grace and power. easier said than done. i don't always like to be changed and humbled. but i think i need to be.

if this desire in my heart is not of the Lord, i wish it would just leave, because it hurts to hope for a hopeless cause.

my heart literally feels heavy

sometimes anyway. lately, i can't decide if it's all the caffeine i take in, my body's way of dealing with stress, or some other external element, but my heart often feels physically weighed down in my chest. it's an odd sensation, i assure you, and all i can do is breathe in deeply and hope it subsides.

life seems weird lately. an odd balance of perfectly content and utter yearning. i am finally starting to feel at home in this city. i love my friends here [old and new]. i finally have a church i love. at times i am so joyful that i think i will burst, and then that sort of ebbs into this yearning for the things i lack. cliche as i know it is, i miss being in some kind of relationship. it's not even the snuggling and the kissing that i miss so much anymore, although that was what i felt most acutely for a long time, but i miss feeling emotionally taken care of. [shame on me for ending that sentence with a preposition.] i miss long talks [or peaceful silences] and phonecalls and feeling like there is some deep, unexplainable connection. now that i think about it, maybe it's not so much that i miss it [have i ever had that with a guy?], but i certainly long for it. i certainly do not take for granted the friends with whom i do have great conversation, in fact, i've been absolutely valuing my friendships more lately, but alas, these friends are women. i want to find that deep kinship with a man. feel protected, taken care of, loved. not that i am weak or fragile, but i want it to be ok to be weak or fragile. i think.

i'm not asking for a ring. or a pin. or a date. or to go steady. i just want to connect.

i guess i'm just frustrated that sometimes i feel like i want to share me with someone else, but whoever i seem to want to share with, doesn't really want to share with me.