sometimes you just have to laugh at yourself

i really should instate some kind of rule about how late into the evening i'm allowed to post any kind of "serious" post. haha. i am so much more emotional and whiny at night than any other time of day.

may the Lord bless you today.

at an intersection

i've been fretting again. on and off. unfortunately, tonight it's been on. i don't know what my problem is. i keep worrying about dumb stuff, when God has been constantly speaking truth and reassurance of His love and wisdom to me. i feel like i am about to come to some kind of intersection, and once i choose which way i'm heading, there's no turning back. i continually stress out about the 5 grad school auditions i have next month. where will i get in? will i make new friends there? will i be any good? am i cut out for this? after they're over, all i can do is wait and know that i've done my best, but i have to get through them first.

also, i keep worrying about the relationships in my life changing once graduation hits. my little 'family' will likely be going lots of different ways in the next few months, years, and while i knew that we wouldn't all be together forever, it seems scarier than necessary for us all to be all over the place, hopefully keeping in touch. it feels like it's been a long time since i have felt so [completely] comfortable with a group of people, and i love the home-y feeling we have. i guess i just don't want it to change. also, relatedly [i guess], i mentioned to one of my good guy friends that i felt like he had pretty much become my best friend, and i think that freaked him out a bit. oh well, he'll get over it. before tiny-christian-college-overrun-by-girls-wanting-husbands, i always seemed to have one good guy friend who i could talk to about life or guy issues, or cry to, or get a hug from if i needed it, and i have missed that so much in college. not that i don't have friends who are guys, but there is really a lot more women at my school than men, and many of the guys here are really not so much the sort of gents i want to spend too much time with. i'm just sayin.

ugh. i need to snap out of this weird funk thing. i'm really ok. i'm actually really excited about all the stuff coming up, it just seems to frighten me an amount equal to the excitement. i'm also really excited about the Lord, because we have been getting reacquainted and i can feel some of my cynicism melting and also i see His hand everywhere. it's crazy. and awesome. and that's another topic for another post.

Lord, i need You. i need You. i need You. help me trust You in everything.
i need You, i need You, i need You.

just nice

one big lesson i have learned in the past 6 months is this [heed my words, girls!]:

sometimes nice guys are just nice.

yes, that's right, you heard it here first. sometimes, sometimes, nice guys are just nice. they aren't trying to win your affections, though perhaps your friendship. they are not trying to get into your pants, though they certainly weasel their way into your heart.

the reason i bring this up is this: two of my very close girl friends and i have been smacked in the face with this realization in the past few months. we have come in contact with men who, under most scrutiny, would seem to be hopelessly in love with us (which i assure you is not the case). i personally believe that women today are nearly starved from any kind of genuine interest and caring from men unless that man is perhaps trying to win her romantically. gentlemanly conduct has been relegated, for the most part, to only the most serious of romantic pursuits. as such, any kind gesture we get from a man, be it a door politely opened, dishes washed without nagging after a home-cooked meal, calling just to say "hi"...we get all flustered and start shopping for rings.

i'm not saying that these things are not good and genuine and kind. they are, and that's what gets our little knickers in a twist! fully expecting these gestures to be indicative of some growing flame, we are quickly swept away by visions of taffeta and picket fences.

and that, friends, is where we get into trouble. sometimes. nice. guys. are. just. nice.
sometimes they call you to say hello. sometimes they do your dishes when you didn't ask them to. sometimes they stay up talking to you until all hours of the night. sometimes they meet you for dinner. sometimes they pick you up instead of meeting you across campus. sometimes they pay for things. sometimes they drop you off but instead of leaving, they sit in the car and talk to you for 45 minutes. sometimes they read you poetry and make you tea. sometimes, this is just in their nature. sometimes it's just in their friend-dna to treat a girl like a lady. sometimes you shouldn't read so much into it.

it's ok, girls. i know, the last time a man treated you like this, he wanted something else, didn't he? he didn't actually care about your day or want to put his hands in soapy water. i understand that it's confusing when guys who are actually just friends treat you this way. and how do you differentiate? i suggest you chant this new mantra in your head during all interactions with your guy-friends, for one thing. if you come to expect [at least some level of] thoughtfulness and take it as normality, you will a) quickly realize which of your guy friends are even worth spending time with, b) value yourself more highly as you realize you deserve to be treated with kindness and respect on a regular basis [!], and c) be truly excited and even more appreciative when someone does take the time to truly woo you. do higher expectations of men perhaps mean more disappointment? possibly. i get the feeling that if someone is going to really grab my attention in that department, he's going to have to really work for it.

but i'm ok with that.

sometimes you need to hear things like this from a legitimately cool guy

friend:

btw

[a.jane]?

1:52 PM don't ever think you're not beautiful

because you are

but you might be tempted to think otherwise

so

can it

and remember:

You rock, beautiful!


sometimes you just need someone to remind you.
thanks friend.

grad school update #3

I GOT A FREAKING AUDITION AT FREAKING CURTIS!!!!

holy crap. i could not believe my eyes today when i got the email. this is too awesome.


in other news, i made risotto tonight. it was freaking awesome [if i do say so myself], and i got to spend some quality time with 2 of my favorite people in the entire world. now i've gone and stayed up way too late playing with wcs music on the internet with steve. dang it.

sleep calls.

my utmost isn't much at the moment

as a kid i remember going to great lengths to convince my mother that i was sick the first day of school after christmas break. it usually worked, crying that i didn't know why i was sick, i just knew i couldn't possibly make it to school. irrational? of course. one would think that this would be merely a childhood anxiety--the need to have one "buffer day" before starting back into life. adults should be able to handle it, right?

unfortunately, this weird trait seems to have followed me into quasi-adulthood, and needless to say, i am freaking out right now. when this hits it's like i can't see a way out of schedules and deadlines, and i end up yearning for home--possibly not even the home that exists now, but the idea of "home" i still have in my head. even as i type this i am swallowing against stupid tears rising in my throat. what is going on with me?

perhaps if i write out everything that's stressing me out, it will just get it out of my head for a little. sorry readers. if anyone's even reading.

ok. stressers: grad school auditions start in 3 weeks, with a mini-performance of my pieces in 2 weeks. not only am i not sure exactly what i'm singing, i don't have it all even remotely learned and memorized.
also, i scheduled 2 auditions for a week that i thought was break in february, but turns out to be the week before break...so now i either have to miss a bunch of school or reschedule, but either way, my needing to be in philly for my temple audition, ann arbor for my u of m audition and all the other things in between adds up to about 30 hours in the car. not great for a) my car and b) my stamina.
next, i still need to [start] learn[ing] my role for this semester's opera. i was supposed to do it over break, but i was so busy that i had no time. that's what i'm telling myself anyway.
on top of all that, i'm supposed to be doing some dumb honors project this semester so i can wear the pretty stole at graduation. as much as i like the stole, i feel like getting into grad school and learning my role are far more important that graduating in the honors program (i'll still be graduation with honors, magna cum laude possibly actually), so i am highly unmotivated to do this project. plus i want to switch my topic, and i haven't done any work on it to begin with. so now i basically want to drop it, and my mother doesn't want me to, and it means confronting the scary honors professor and her trying to talk me out of it or giving me a tongue-lashing because i should have gotten my butt in gear a year ago. i know. [but really, who's going to care whether or not i was in the honors program in undergrad? few.]

perhaps the most distressing is the lonely ache my heart has taken on. ignited, i think, by unlikely [read: hopeless] earthly relationships, my heart is also remembering how much it needs Jesus. so i am determined to schedule more quality time with Him, and i am hoping He will sweep me off my feet. i actually started reading Oswald Chambers' My Utmost for His Highest [though i bought the book instead of opting for the online option], and i think it's a step in the right direction. finally, a devotion that i don't feel like is just fluff. and it's a great feeling to actually find myself valuing my devotional time and feeling like God is actually speaking to me through this man's words. i've also been reading [finally] C.S. Lewis' Narnia series, which is amazing to me. praise the Lord for providing all these words to speak to my heart.

of course, i suppose i still hope that someone on earth would sweep me off my feet too. i'm sure i'm wrong about my hopes concerning man i have in mind, but lately, spending time with him feels like being home. whatever home means.

i feel like i am breaking apart.

stupid heart.

control freak

i think i am a control freak. ok, scratch that. i know i'm a control freak. it occurred to me earlier today that the times that i freak out the most are when i feel like things are out of my control. i hate not getting things i "deserve;" i hate waiting; i hate wanting something and not getting it.

yes, i realize this makes me sound like a petulant child.

i just love feeling like i've got some grasp on life. i think perhaps that's why i like organization so much. i love color-coding and specific drawers for specific things...all because that way things are where they are "supposed to be." in my life, i wish i could put things in drawers with labels, or put the next ten years into my handy google calendar. unfortunately...that's not the way that life works. does that terrify me? of course. is it frustrating? eternally. i am terrified about where i'm heading, because from where i'm standing, i can't see the path ahead. i am constantly frustrated about not being able to choose and plan.

cliche or not: i feel like i'm standing in a valley, trying desperately to see around the mountains, wishing i knew what lay ahead, but i can't, because the mountains are in the way.

anyway, all this is prompted by the imminence of my grad school auditions and how completely unready for them i am and how scary that is. today my voice lesson turned into a big tear-fest as i completely freaked out about singing and life in general. luckily my voice teacher is an incredible woman, as both artist and Christian, and i truly believe God speaks through her to me often. she said some really important things, including reminding me that i don't have to do this, and if i ever feel like i do, then i need to reevaluate my motivations. i must always be doing this for me and for God, and not because i need recognition or validation.

i feel like i could write about a hundred more pages, but in interest of sleep, i suppose i should wrap it up.

hello, my name is a.jane, and i am a control freak.

post script - grad school update #2

i got an audition at Eastman!!!!

now to get in....

whoa.

i'm sure i will spend a post freaking out about the new year and reflecting on the old year, but for now, let me just say this:

i watched the sun rise on the very first day of the new year. it was a beautiful thing, and it felt symbolic somehow. like i was waiting for the newness.

bring it on, 2008.