growing up

i am growing up. i was trying to get around it, but it is happening and i can't stop it. soon i will have grad schools to apply to and apartments to find and jobs to keep.

next week i attend the first wedding of one of my friends, and i'm almost dreading it in a way. i know that i'm on a very different path than most, especially most at my school, but does it mean i've failed somehow if i haven't settled down by my junior year? the plan was always to go to college, get married, and have a family, and the more i live, the more i don't want that plan. of course i want to fall in love, but does it mean that i have missed some cosmic benchmark if i've not already found "the one"?

apart from my very best friend (who is out of the country at the moment), i am the only one of my close friends who remains single. although i sometimes trick myself into believing this is caused by some flaw of mine, this can surely not be the case. i, like most other normal 19 year olds, can not reasonably "settle down" this early! i have a life to live. i must believe that this is God's path for me. i must.

people move on and grow up, and i have to let them and i will have to join them. i hold on to too much. i can keep my angelina ballerina books, but it was time for the stuffed animals to go. essentially, i'm growing up. there's nothing i can do to slow it down, but i wouldn't want to even if i could. i'm halfway through college, and that's scary, but it's life. it's life, and it barrels on and we don't get a say in how fast the time flies.

i just thank God for His infininite blessings, and pray that someday this all makes sense.