pride/entitlement

i may or may not be listening to just a little christmas music right now. amy grant, home for christmas. it's my favorite; don't judge me.

friday night was very-important-competition night. after fighting off illness and actually singing pretty well despite it, i...didn't win. which, i'm not going to lie, did not make me the world's happiest mezzo-soprano. there were, of course, tears [i "deserved" to win!].

then bam:
saturday chorale rehearsal. what is the devotion? pride. ouch.
sunday morning sermon. the parable of the pharisee and the tax collector praying in the synagogue (see luke 18:9-14). what is the sermon topic? pride. double ouch.

ok God, i get it! i'm prideful! but it's sort of been setting in this weekend that pride is something that i really need help with. as far as music goes, i've gotten quite used to being the proverbial "big fish in a small pond." i generally get solos, roles, etc. that i want/feel like i deserve. it's the beauty of being semi-talented in a small department. however, this is not how the rest of the business will work. i will no longer be the star child, starring in opera after opera to rave reviews.

after the sermon this morning [to refocus back on my original point and not *shock* on me...], i couldn't help but ponder the role of the feeling of "entitlement" in america. i read an article once somewhere that said that one of the main reason girls my age [and younger] are so mean and awful is because they've been raised to think they're entitled to having some fantastic life, and when someone gets in their way, watch out! the claws come out. we all feel that way, i think. i felt like i was entitled to win that contest. people feel like they're entitled to big, gas-guzzling cars, high paychecks, 3 meals a day, christmas presents, etc. don't get me wrong, i'm not saying these are intrinsically bad things, i'm just saying that we have grown up in a society that makes us feel like we deserve them--the american dream.

what does this mean for us as christians then? if we are entitled to these earthly things, then what? we were not entitled to the Son of God stepping down to take our sins on His back and dying for us. that was grace, fortunately. we could never, ever be good enough or impressive enough to be entitled to such mercy.

i feel like this is turning into a rant. i don't mean it to be so, but it is certainly something that's been on my mind lately. basically my point is that i wasn't entitled to win that contest, and i'm not entitled to get into grad school.

but here's hoping.

in other news, i have the most wonderful housemates, and we spent the evening carving pumpkins [which apparently irritates my skin], baking the seeds, and making cute little autumnal chocolates. i needed that. today was just lovely, actually. i have somehow ended up with the best friends a girl could ask for.

dear my body,

this is really not a great week for you to get sick. maybe we can postpone this to next week? it's just, i have some really important musical events friday and saturday, and i just can't get sick. deal?

love,
a.jane

in other news, i am getting a cold. usually i can push all sickness off until the end of the semester and then just get sick all at once when my finals are over. as much as i hate the flu, right now is a less-good time to get sick.

also, what are the odds that when you really want one thing it turns out something you totally didn't expect is better? i guess it happens quite often.

another thing--maybe it wouldn't be so bad to stay in the area and go to school here.

healing hands of God

have mercy on our unclean souls once again
Jesus Christ, Light of the world, burning bright within our hearts forever.
freedom means love with condition, without beginning or an end.

here's my heart, let it be forever Yours.
only You can make every new day seem so new.

-fif

your homework: go listen to [or at least look up lyrics for] 'on distant shores' and 'every new day.'

let me in

...pretty please?

in other news--i forgot how much i liked to paint, even though my shins are now suffering the consequences of having steadied myself with them against the ladder for 4-ish hours yesterday morning.

in other other news, i am at a loss and need to just keep my mind off things.

i wrote a post earlier today. perhaps i will post it later. we'll see.

ergh

sometimes the more you talk or think about something or someone, the worse you feel about the whole sordid thing.

i need to learn how to shut off my brain/heart.

and why is it i want to fix fix fix? i see the broken. i see you broken. i see you were broken. you still are broken, i think, but i really want to help, want to be there.

i do not like the movie moulin rouge.

need me [or, on prayer]

i am seriously missing being missed and needed.

i think one of the most frustrating things in life is wanting something so truly and with so much of your heart and not getting it and not being able to do a single thing about it. if i am truly wishing with my heart, then why not?

also, on prayer. i need to get better at being faithful to my Lord. sometimes i forget to pray or i don't pray because i don't see a point--my praying isn't going to change God. in shadowlands, a film about cs lewis' life and marriage, he says at one point [played by anthony hopkins], "i don't pray because it changes God. i pray because it changes me. because i must. because it flows out of me." [or something close to that.] i feel like this is a good point, because clearly my pleadings aren't going to make God go, "oh, how silly I've been. I change My awesome and almighty mind now." my prayers should be changing and humbling me according to His grace and power. easier said than done. i don't always like to be changed and humbled. but i think i need to be.

if this desire in my heart is not of the Lord, i wish it would just leave, because it hurts to hope for a hopeless cause.

there's never any time!

"i don't have time to study! i 'll never get into Stanford! i'll let everyone down; i'm so confused!"
oh Jessie Spano... i'm sure you've seen this episode of saved by the bell. as silly as it sounds, i can definitely relate with Ms. Spano's dilemma. surely there are not enough hours in the day to study, practice, get enough sleep, and have some semblance of a social life. at this point, just to keep from double-booking myself is a feat in itself.

lately, i've been in overdrive. since the beginning of the semester, my body could sense crunch-time, and it gets confused. in my last post i talked about how my heart feels heavy sometimes--i think that must be stress-related too. i feel like i shouldn't have to try to squeeze in working 20 hours a week in the office, practicing as many hours, plus attending all my classes, ensembles, lessons, and trying to get into grad school into one short span of my life. i feel like i don't have enough time to complete things. how can it be healthy for me to be GO GO GO from 9am to 10pm? luckily i do schedule some fun things each week [dancing, meals with people i enjoy, the occasional trip to the coffee shop down the road, now blogging again], but i still always feel like i should probably be practicing or rewriting french questions or filling out the grad apps for which the deadline is rapidly approaching.

pardon the cliché, but life is moving at a thousand miles a minute. i'll go from undergrad to graduate school to artist's diploma [hopefully] to career [hopefully] and then it's full speed ahead from then on out. when is the sabbath? will i have time to experience other parts of life? will i have time to travel? read a good book? fall in love [big "if" attached]? have a family [far away in the future]?

"i'm so excited! i'm so excited! i'm so...scared!"

my heart literally feels heavy

sometimes anyway. lately, i can't decide if it's all the caffeine i take in, my body's way of dealing with stress, or some other external element, but my heart often feels physically weighed down in my chest. it's an odd sensation, i assure you, and all i can do is breathe in deeply and hope it subsides.

life seems weird lately. an odd balance of perfectly content and utter yearning. i am finally starting to feel at home in this city. i love my friends here [old and new]. i finally have a church i love. at times i am so joyful that i think i will burst, and then that sort of ebbs into this yearning for the things i lack. cliche as i know it is, i miss being in some kind of relationship. it's not even the snuggling and the kissing that i miss so much anymore, although that was what i felt most acutely for a long time, but i miss feeling emotionally taken care of. [shame on me for ending that sentence with a preposition.] i miss long talks [or peaceful silences] and phonecalls and feeling like there is some deep, unexplainable connection. now that i think about it, maybe it's not so much that i miss it [have i ever had that with a guy?], but i certainly long for it. i certainly do not take for granted the friends with whom i do have great conversation, in fact, i've been absolutely valuing my friendships more lately, but alas, these friends are women. i want to find that deep kinship with a man. feel protected, taken care of, loved. not that i am weak or fragile, but i want it to be ok to be weak or fragile. i think.

i'm not asking for a ring. or a pin. or a date. or to go steady. i just want to connect.

i guess i'm just frustrated that sometimes i feel like i want to share me with someone else, but whoever i seem to want to share with, doesn't really want to share with me.

spill it

it occured to me today as i sat at work for hours and hours doing absolutely nothing of note that i really ought to have some kind of outlet for all the things in my head. that's why i started this dang blog in the first place, and it's under-used.

i need to write more. i need to stop worrying that someone will judge me for what i should be able to "spill" here. (hmm...perhaps the same needs to carry for the rest of life as well...)