why i stopped writing in the first place

i'm good at putting my foot in my mouth. no sooner do i write something about some exciting new guy or big event in my life than i'm suddenly regretting having ever thought about it in the first place.

part of me wants to share everything immediately, or at least feel ok about writing about it, but another part of me just knows that days, weeks, months, years later, i'm going to regret writing it and feel like a silly little girl. i think i want to stop feeling like that silly little girl.

i wish it didn't matter to me that someday my thoughts will be different. i read journals i've kept throughout my life and wish some events didn't even happen, and more importantly, that i had never kept a record of them. is this normal to feel this way? why should i be ashamed of my own growing up? i keep building toward some responsible (hopefully) adult person that seems to be inside of me, but looking back over past life events seems to make me feel ashamed of the person i once was.

everyone goes through this, i think. at least the metamorphosis part. everyone starts as someone and finds who they truly are over time. some people want to remember every minute, some people barely take time to see what's happening as it's happening. in theory, i love writing. i love the click-clack of the keys underneath my fingers, and i love how fast i can type. i love thinking that i say things in interesting ways. i love being a grammar nerd even though i'm lazy with capitalization. i love the way my fingers move when they type and seeing my own words fill a previously blank space on the screen. but it's the afterwards that makes me question if i even want to write a post. it's not like i have much to worry about -- i know only one person whom i know who even has the web-address for this blog -- but something about being able to look back on the exact way i was thinking at some precise moment in time is daunting. i get embarrassed even though no one is paying attention to this.

maybe someday it won't be so scary to see what's been.