just be.

i lie a lot.

i never realized how much i lie, but i lie all the time. i lie about what i ate, i lie about where i've been, i lie about how long i've practiced, i lie about what i've been doing. i lie to everyone i know and tell them there's nothing going on between me and a certain ex-boyfriend. i lie to myself and say that too. it's not that i want things to happen with him, i guess i just know they can and that i'm in control.

but every time someone asks me about it, all i do is lie! i have been this perfect little two-shoes all my life, but i've had this secret lie-life. my "inner monologue" has cursed out more people than i would ever admit or allow to pass through my lips.

it's disgusting.

anyway, i have been lazing around my house for the better part of the day. i feel stuck. stuck in my tastes, stuck financially, stuck in my complacency, stuck in neutral in what should be a highway to my Jesus. that's the part that scares me the most, i think, because i just don't care. i am stuck between thinking that i am just fine and knowing i am not. stuck between desiring the Godly perfection i know i should want and not wanting to be perfect. just wanting to live.

i just want to be, is that so wrong? just be. i want to travel and drift and fall in love and move on. i want to see things and experience life and do things i shouldn't. i want to live on love. i want to stop being so idealistic and start being practical. i want to actually do something. i want to change the world. i want to be a poor farmer. i want a penthouse apartment and a personal assistant. i want to stop being the sounding board. i want to have better advice. i want to start taking the advice of the people i trust. i want people to respect me. i want people to trust me. i want to stop worrying.