i'm doing it!!

i am taking the year off. i feel...relieved. and only a little like a slacker. but mostly peaceful and less worried that life is going to be crazier than it needs to be. i feel like this is what i need to be doing, and here is where i need to be, so i am trusting that the Lord will provide a way for me to stay. the job-scene is a little scary, to be honest, but i'm sure i'll be fine. i think i should be more worried.

i'm sorry that my blog is "here's what's going on in my life" time. this seems to be the way i keep up with some people, so i guess that's why it's mostly updates. perhaps sometime i will post my ridiculous opinions about some issue or other, but for now i think it's going to stay this way. i don't have extra brain-power for opinions.

which [so clearly and logically] brings me to my next thought: free time. WHOA. crazy concept. i seem to have some of this now? today....i took a nap. yes, you read that right. i slept for two whole hours. during the day. and i had a crazy dream where i took my station wagon over jumps and turned into judy garland.

closing thought: i hate post-break-up awkwardness. it is completely unnecessary, and it makes me sad. i guess that's what i get.

being in an opera is my favorite

we had our first hansel and gretel tonight, and it was so much fun!!! i loved every moment of being on stage, and i felt like i sang well. i can't believe we only have one more performance, and i just feel so blessed to be a part of this artform.

also, being hansel rocks. i ate almost an entire pint of strawberries on stage tonight, sometimes stuffing them in 3 at a time. awesome.

incidentally, campfires also rock. the boys built a firepit in the backyard, and last night and tonight i was blessed with friendship and smores. there is nothing quite like spending a few hours around a fire just talking, singing, playing guitar, eating, drinking, and just being together.

praise the Lord for all His blessings.

hmmm

i'm again considering taking the year off.
i think sometimes it's ok to be scared and just wait. and wait not only because you're scared, but because there is more to be done before you move on.

in other news, i LOVE opera! i got my lederhosen fitted today...and i look fantastic.

talk about a rollercoast

holy moly. the last few weeks [and the next few weeks] have been [will be] nuts. two weeks ago i had a big paper about alternative energy due. this week's big focus was finishing my honors project, which i successfully presented saturday morning! hooray! i did a comparative study on the Mignon lieder, which are songs inspired by some of Goethe's famous poetry. pretty interesting stuff, actually, and now all i have to do is write the big paper to accompany it, but i've already done most of my research.

this coming weekend is Hansel and Gretel, in which i play Hansel [it's a pants role]. incidentally, if you're in the rochester area this weekend, come on out! leave comments for info.

oy. this weekend was a blur. honors project yesterday morning [after 5 hours' sleep], market/bank run, bridal shower, quick nap, shower, voice lesson, orchestra concert, liquor store run for yummy wine, tim's band's show downtown, over to a friend's for chill time. today was a full day of chorale 'fun' after only 4 hours' sleep. mercifully we had a 2-hour bus ride each way that i used to its full sleeping potential. then i had rehearsal tonight, chatted a while with pea, and here i am. someone put my laundry in the drier for me; it was very nice of them.

on my heart's front, things are ok. i am remembering all the good things about being single [it's not like i was away from it for all that long]. Jesus and i had a really good chat last weekend when i was really upset it all. He reminded me that He wants to be where i thought chris should be--as that one, stable thing in my life. i do miss him though. sometimes it's frustrating because he is pretty sucky at being my friend, and he was all for being good friends and blah blah blah. sometimes i can't help just staring at him, which is probably not a good thing, but whatever. i don't know. i'm trying to let it go; i don't know why it's so hard.

i could probably write about 8 more pages about myself [because we all love talking about ourselves], but i really need to go to sleep. i haven't been sleeping nearly enough. goodnight!

lots on my heart right now

but i will have to update later. i'm sure i can be tempted into taking a break from my research later.

'oh Love that will not let me go'

Oh Love that will not let me go

I rest my weary soul in Thee

I give Thee back the life I owe

That in thine ocean depths its flow

May richer, fuller be

Oh Life that follow’st all my way

I yield my flick’ring torch to Thee

My heart restores its borrowed ray

That in thy sunshine’s blazes, day

May brighter fairer be

Oh Joy that seekest me through pain

I cannot close my heart to Thee

I trace the rainbow through the rain

And feel the promises not vain

That more shall tearless be

Oh Cross that liftest up my head

I dare not ask to fly from Thee

I lay in dusk, life’s glory dead

And from the ground their blossoms red,

Life that shall endless be

God, what is going on? i feel like every time i feel like i have something a little figured out, it goes away. grad school? oh, i thought i was going, and then going to have a career. oh next fall maybe? oh, ok. oh, boyfriend? yeah, isn't he great? oh wait. he doesn't know what the frick he wants. he can't handle a relationship right now.

like a petulant child, i want to kick my legs and throw a tantrum. does it get better?

broke up.

he broke up with me.
no, i don't want to talk about it.
yes, it hurts.

alright!

today is my recital. it's all i can think about. i bought a pink table cloth and pink napkins and little plates and i'm having punch. my dress is pink. i'm going to sing with my very soul.

i am so excited i can barely keep it in. and it's not for almost 5 more hours!
i can't wait to sing. i can't wait for pink punch. i can't wait for hugs and flowers.

i hope i don't mess up my words.

i love love LOVE schumann. and hahn. and mozart. and barber. i'm so glad this career chose me, because this kind of singing, this kind of soul-bearing is exactly my cup of tea.
the only downside of tonight is that all the important men in my life are missing it (except my grandpa). my dad, my brother, my faux-bros, and my boyfriend are all MIA. oh well though, they can watch the video if they really feel the need. however, said men are hopefully all going to make it to my opera, and boyfriend and i have a date this sunday night, about which i am terribly excited.

now i must go, because there are cookies to think about and fingernails to paint. i might even lie down for a half hour. hooray!

life is exciting, can't you tell? [you're welcome for the update.]