talk about a rollercoast

holy moly. the last few weeks [and the next few weeks] have been [will be] nuts. two weeks ago i had a big paper about alternative energy due. this week's big focus was finishing my honors project, which i successfully presented saturday morning! hooray! i did a comparative study on the Mignon lieder, which are songs inspired by some of Goethe's famous poetry. pretty interesting stuff, actually, and now all i have to do is write the big paper to accompany it, but i've already done most of my research.

this coming weekend is Hansel and Gretel, in which i play Hansel [it's a pants role]. incidentally, if you're in the rochester area this weekend, come on out! leave comments for info.

oy. this weekend was a blur. honors project yesterday morning [after 5 hours' sleep], market/bank run, bridal shower, quick nap, shower, voice lesson, orchestra concert, liquor store run for yummy wine, tim's band's show downtown, over to a friend's for chill time. today was a full day of chorale 'fun' after only 4 hours' sleep. mercifully we had a 2-hour bus ride each way that i used to its full sleeping potential. then i had rehearsal tonight, chatted a while with pea, and here i am. someone put my laundry in the drier for me; it was very nice of them.

on my heart's front, things are ok. i am remembering all the good things about being single [it's not like i was away from it for all that long]. Jesus and i had a really good chat last weekend when i was really upset it all. He reminded me that He wants to be where i thought chris should be--as that one, stable thing in my life. i do miss him though. sometimes it's frustrating because he is pretty sucky at being my friend, and he was all for being good friends and blah blah blah. sometimes i can't help just staring at him, which is probably not a good thing, but whatever. i don't know. i'm trying to let it go; i don't know why it's so hard.

i could probably write about 8 more pages about myself [because we all love talking about ourselves], but i really need to go to sleep. i haven't been sleeping nearly enough. goodnight!

life b.i.s. (before idiot stepdad)

do i even remember what life pre-patrick was like? vaguely.

tonight it was on my mind more than it usually is when i'm home as i laid on the couch, holding my mother's hand watching muppet family christmas [which, by the way, is only the best christmas movie ever!]. we talked and quoted fozzie bear and laughed and ate sushi. this is the way mothers and daughters should interact. i'm just sure of it.

it seems to me that since the addition to our "family" 3 years ago, she is more weary trying to make everyone fit together. it's like she's got two puzzles and she's trying to make them into one, lovely picture. i don't think it's working very well. on top of that aspect, i look around our house, and there are things that should have been repaired years ago. like, when they first broke. pre-patrick, my mother simply would have called someone to fix it, and that would have been that. but now there is a hole in our ceiling in the walkway to the living room from the kitchen that is covered over with a page from a magazine and some duct tape [i suppose it sounds worse than it is]. our dishwasher hasn't worked since he moved in, and he managed to convince my mother that we don't need to fix it/get a new one/just get rid of it [not that we're allergic to doing dishes here...but seriously]. we used to have real greens on our banister coming down the stairs at christmas [i'm allowed to want nostalgic things at christmas. and plastic greens are tacky]. i had to remind my family to get a decent christmas tree this year [as last year's specimen literally made me cry it was so ugly].

patrick is impractical and rarely sober. i feel like he has worn my poor mother out as she tries to love him as he is. which is a wreck. he tries to be some philosophical musician, but it is a facade. and he doesn't fool me.

eff you patrick. eff you. *edited 1/21*

tonight on his way home, driving his rover with a bac of apparently .2, he totaled his car, broke his collarbone and his left tibia or something, and is in the hospital at present. i am sure the appropriate response in this matter would be to have some kind of sympathy for him, and hope for him to get better as soon as possible, but i am just pissed off. i'm only going to be home for a week, which i'm sure now is going to be filled with taking care of this big baby instead of spending as much time with my mother as i can bear. selfish as it is, more than anything i'm mad that he is ruining christmas. ok, so i'm melodramatic.

but seriously, what will this mean for my mom now? as a framing contractor, he can't work when half his bones are snapped in half. ugh. i am disgusted with his lack of responsibility for his actions. driving home after drinking so much [or at all, really] is a ridiculous action for a 50-year old man [or anyone] to take. you have to be an idiot to be so wasted and think it's a good idea to drive home. i know exactly when i should not drive if i'm drinking. i would just think some people would have better sense.

sorry this is the worst, most disjunctive post ever. i suck at blogging.

thank God for friends who call at exactly the right moment about something completely random and end up entertaining me for 45 minutes to make me feel better.