my heart literally feels heavy

sometimes anyway. lately, i can't decide if it's all the caffeine i take in, my body's way of dealing with stress, or some other external element, but my heart often feels physically weighed down in my chest. it's an odd sensation, i assure you, and all i can do is breathe in deeply and hope it subsides.

life seems weird lately. an odd balance of perfectly content and utter yearning. i am finally starting to feel at home in this city. i love my friends here [old and new]. i finally have a church i love. at times i am so joyful that i think i will burst, and then that sort of ebbs into this yearning for the things i lack. cliche as i know it is, i miss being in some kind of relationship. it's not even the snuggling and the kissing that i miss so much anymore, although that was what i felt most acutely for a long time, but i miss feeling emotionally taken care of. [shame on me for ending that sentence with a preposition.] i miss long talks [or peaceful silences] and phonecalls and feeling like there is some deep, unexplainable connection. now that i think about it, maybe it's not so much that i miss it [have i ever had that with a guy?], but i certainly long for it. i certainly do not take for granted the friends with whom i do have great conversation, in fact, i've been absolutely valuing my friendships more lately, but alas, these friends are women. i want to find that deep kinship with a man. feel protected, taken care of, loved. not that i am weak or fragile, but i want it to be ok to be weak or fragile. i think.

i'm not asking for a ring. or a pin. or a date. or to go steady. i just want to connect.

i guess i'm just frustrated that sometimes i feel like i want to share me with someone else, but whoever i seem to want to share with, doesn't really want to share with me.