gush, gush, gush

ugh. i have sucked at posting lately. things have been busy. my eastman audition was friday, temple was supposed to be today but i canceled (postponed?) it. so now i have to get all my orchestration homework/reading done before tomorrow. it's not even 11 yet, so i think i'm ok.

lately my heart has been at a weird intersection. for one, i've been far too busy to really have time to think about being lonely. also, i've been feeling really supported by my God, which is an amazing feeling and helps the heart immensely. however, i am sometimes lonely. despite the intense love i feel daily from my friends, i miss feeling like i'm above-and-beyond-special to someone, you know? i miss little "just thinking of you"s and being snuggled. oh, how i could use a good cuddle!

overall, i promise, i am so happy with life. it is so rich and full of meaning and love. my friends are more amazing than i can ever remember imagining or wishing for, and these "brothers" i have gained are...well, i have no words. i feel like i'm always gushing about them, but seriously, how much luckier could a girl get?

also, i would like to say this: how freaking amazing is Jesus? um, freaking amazing. it is so amazing to me how much i've changed in the past 6 months even. at the beginning of the summer, i was miss wild-child, i'm-going-to-be-crazy-and-you-can't-stop-me, and now, i just feel so much more content with life and i feel like i don't need to be crazy. i don't know if this even makes sense, but i am really appreciating feeling like i can really trust in the Lord. that phrase always seemed kind of overused, but really, the Lord is stronger than i could ever want to be, and if He can't handle it, help me get through whatever, help me have patience, help me get into grad school, help me pay for grad school...if He can't, then who? it is in His hands.

my voice teacher always prays that doors He wants open will open so no one will be able to shut them, and that doors He wants closed will be closed so that no one could open them.
that is my prayer too.

it's a crazy world

indeed.

it's already february. [how did that happen!?] my first audition is this friday, at eastman, and then it's successive stressing out every 3 or so days for the next 2 weeks. and then it will be over. the relief is almost palpable. luckily, my voice teacher and i have been making some real progress lately, which unfortunately means reworking a lot of things, but is totally worth it in the process. she is pushing me harder than i sometimes like, but i need it and boy, is it paying off. this is exciting stuff. [you can take my word for it.]

this weekend was less than relaxing; though i did have a little time to just chill out, i generally did not get enough sleep and was running around trying to get everything done. however, i did have a really great time watching the superbowl with a good friend [whose poor heart was crushed at the outcome] at rit with a bunch of nerdy [but really nice!] boys [who, coincidentally, almost all had really terrible haircuts. just an observation]. there were about 20 people there, and i single-handedly made up half the female population. represent.

i've also started 'tumbling.' i think i am not going to post the link [at least right now], so i can keep things tidy and separated [plus also write whatever dumb thing pops in my heads over there!]. and now i must go study mozart before i fall asleep. goodnight, dear reader[s].

at an intersection

i've been fretting again. on and off. unfortunately, tonight it's been on. i don't know what my problem is. i keep worrying about dumb stuff, when God has been constantly speaking truth and reassurance of His love and wisdom to me. i feel like i am about to come to some kind of intersection, and once i choose which way i'm heading, there's no turning back. i continually stress out about the 5 grad school auditions i have next month. where will i get in? will i make new friends there? will i be any good? am i cut out for this? after they're over, all i can do is wait and know that i've done my best, but i have to get through them first.

also, i keep worrying about the relationships in my life changing once graduation hits. my little 'family' will likely be going lots of different ways in the next few months, years, and while i knew that we wouldn't all be together forever, it seems scarier than necessary for us all to be all over the place, hopefully keeping in touch. it feels like it's been a long time since i have felt so [completely] comfortable with a group of people, and i love the home-y feeling we have. i guess i just don't want it to change. also, relatedly [i guess], i mentioned to one of my good guy friends that i felt like he had pretty much become my best friend, and i think that freaked him out a bit. oh well, he'll get over it. before tiny-christian-college-overrun-by-girls-wanting-husbands, i always seemed to have one good guy friend who i could talk to about life or guy issues, or cry to, or get a hug from if i needed it, and i have missed that so much in college. not that i don't have friends who are guys, but there is really a lot more women at my school than men, and many of the guys here are really not so much the sort of gents i want to spend too much time with. i'm just sayin.

ugh. i need to snap out of this weird funk thing. i'm really ok. i'm actually really excited about all the stuff coming up, it just seems to frighten me an amount equal to the excitement. i'm also really excited about the Lord, because we have been getting reacquainted and i can feel some of my cynicism melting and also i see His hand everywhere. it's crazy. and awesome. and that's another topic for another post.

Lord, i need You. i need You. i need You. help me trust You in everything.
i need You, i need You, i need You.

sometimes you need to hear things like this from a legitimately cool guy

friend:

btw

[a.jane]?

1:52 PM don't ever think you're not beautiful

because you are

but you might be tempted to think otherwise

so

can it

and remember:

You rock, beautiful!


sometimes you just need someone to remind you.
thanks friend.

grad school update #3

I GOT A FREAKING AUDITION AT FREAKING CURTIS!!!!

holy crap. i could not believe my eyes today when i got the email. this is too awesome.


in other news, i made risotto tonight. it was freaking awesome [if i do say so myself], and i got to spend some quality time with 2 of my favorite people in the entire world. now i've gone and stayed up way too late playing with wcs music on the internet with steve. dang it.

sleep calls.

being home makes me thoughtful

allow me to begin this post by letting everyone know that today i bought pants that were a size smaller than i have bought in 3 years. thank you dancing and never having time for a proper meal. and there was much rejoicing.

for some reason i always seem to do inordinate amounts of thinking while i'm at home. my first thought when i arrived in the q on wednesday afternoon was how i was already ready to leave again. the q is busier and more densely packed than last i remember, as it always is, and i must fight the urge to turn my car around and head back toward the turnpike. i got home and spent the evening with my mother and stepdad. they listened to my pre-screening cd, and stepdad insisted i let him call the music director at our church so i could sing sunday. whatever. mom and i watched the holiday, which is delightful, but...i don't know, but sometimes she just rubs me the wrong way. it always becomes very clear to me very quickly that i can never live here again. i can already foresee that christmas break is going to be a considerable hardship in some ways. i just don't live here anymore. things that i once found endearing now repel me.

on the upside, i do enjoy my mother's company most of the time, and it is nice to see her after months of being in the roc.

another thing that has recently come to my attention is that my very best friends here, "the beautifuls," and i have grown into completely different women with completely different lives. katy is off in dc working at an aids hospice and living in community. betsy is learning how to spend her day with seven-year-olds in central pa. melissa is practically engaged to her farmer-type boyfriend and is finishing a degree in literature of some sort near philadelphia. it's certainly not a bad thing that we are growing up, and differently, but...we are disjunctive now somehow.
melissa doesn't understand betsy's lifestyle choices (nothing crazy, but we are all old enough to drink now...), and katy seems distant (or maybe just tired?), as her life in dc is much richer than our night out in the q. even wife and i, who have had sympathetic growing pains for the past 3 years, are now on markedly different paths.

i love these girls, and thankfully, we can usually pick up where we left off, but there was something different in our meeting tonight. no longer are we high school friends whose friendship carried into college. now we are these independent, nearly adult women who were, in another life, inseparable.

i'll be back with more thoughts i'm sure.