at an intersection

i've been fretting again. on and off. unfortunately, tonight it's been on. i don't know what my problem is. i keep worrying about dumb stuff, when God has been constantly speaking truth and reassurance of His love and wisdom to me. i feel like i am about to come to some kind of intersection, and once i choose which way i'm heading, there's no turning back. i continually stress out about the 5 grad school auditions i have next month. where will i get in? will i make new friends there? will i be any good? am i cut out for this? after they're over, all i can do is wait and know that i've done my best, but i have to get through them first.

also, i keep worrying about the relationships in my life changing once graduation hits. my little 'family' will likely be going lots of different ways in the next few months, years, and while i knew that we wouldn't all be together forever, it seems scarier than necessary for us all to be all over the place, hopefully keeping in touch. it feels like it's been a long time since i have felt so [completely] comfortable with a group of people, and i love the home-y feeling we have. i guess i just don't want it to change. also, relatedly [i guess], i mentioned to one of my good guy friends that i felt like he had pretty much become my best friend, and i think that freaked him out a bit. oh well, he'll get over it. before tiny-christian-college-overrun-by-girls-wanting-husbands, i always seemed to have one good guy friend who i could talk to about life or guy issues, or cry to, or get a hug from if i needed it, and i have missed that so much in college. not that i don't have friends who are guys, but there is really a lot more women at my school than men, and many of the guys here are really not so much the sort of gents i want to spend too much time with. i'm just sayin.

ugh. i need to snap out of this weird funk thing. i'm really ok. i'm actually really excited about all the stuff coming up, it just seems to frighten me an amount equal to the excitement. i'm also really excited about the Lord, because we have been getting reacquainted and i can feel some of my cynicism melting and also i see His hand everywhere. it's crazy. and awesome. and that's another topic for another post.

Lord, i need You. i need You. i need You. help me trust You in everything.
i need You, i need You, i need You.