control freak

i think i am a control freak. ok, scratch that. i know i'm a control freak. it occurred to me earlier today that the times that i freak out the most are when i feel like things are out of my control. i hate not getting things i "deserve;" i hate waiting; i hate wanting something and not getting it.

yes, i realize this makes me sound like a petulant child.

i just love feeling like i've got some grasp on life. i think perhaps that's why i like organization so much. i love color-coding and specific drawers for specific things...all because that way things are where they are "supposed to be." in my life, i wish i could put things in drawers with labels, or put the next ten years into my handy google calendar. unfortunately...that's not the way that life works. does that terrify me? of course. is it frustrating? eternally. i am terrified about where i'm heading, because from where i'm standing, i can't see the path ahead. i am constantly frustrated about not being able to choose and plan.

cliche or not: i feel like i'm standing in a valley, trying desperately to see around the mountains, wishing i knew what lay ahead, but i can't, because the mountains are in the way.

anyway, all this is prompted by the imminence of my grad school auditions and how completely unready for them i am and how scary that is. today my voice lesson turned into a big tear-fest as i completely freaked out about singing and life in general. luckily my voice teacher is an incredible woman, as both artist and Christian, and i truly believe God speaks through her to me often. she said some really important things, including reminding me that i don't have to do this, and if i ever feel like i do, then i need to reevaluate my motivations. i must always be doing this for me and for God, and not because i need recognition or validation.

i feel like i could write about a hundred more pages, but in interest of sleep, i suppose i should wrap it up.

hello, my name is a.jane, and i am a control freak.