need me [or, on prayer]

i am seriously missing being missed and needed.

i think one of the most frustrating things in life is wanting something so truly and with so much of your heart and not getting it and not being able to do a single thing about it. if i am truly wishing with my heart, then why not?

also, on prayer. i need to get better at being faithful to my Lord. sometimes i forget to pray or i don't pray because i don't see a point--my praying isn't going to change God. in shadowlands, a film about cs lewis' life and marriage, he says at one point [played by anthony hopkins], "i don't pray because it changes God. i pray because it changes me. because i must. because it flows out of me." [or something close to that.] i feel like this is a good point, because clearly my pleadings aren't going to make God go, "oh, how silly I've been. I change My awesome and almighty mind now." my prayers should be changing and humbling me according to His grace and power. easier said than done. i don't always like to be changed and humbled. but i think i need to be.

if this desire in my heart is not of the Lord, i wish it would just leave, because it hurts to hope for a hopeless cause.

there's never any time!

"i don't have time to study! i 'll never get into Stanford! i'll let everyone down; i'm so confused!"
oh Jessie Spano... i'm sure you've seen this episode of saved by the bell. as silly as it sounds, i can definitely relate with Ms. Spano's dilemma. surely there are not enough hours in the day to study, practice, get enough sleep, and have some semblance of a social life. at this point, just to keep from double-booking myself is a feat in itself.

lately, i've been in overdrive. since the beginning of the semester, my body could sense crunch-time, and it gets confused. in my last post i talked about how my heart feels heavy sometimes--i think that must be stress-related too. i feel like i shouldn't have to try to squeeze in working 20 hours a week in the office, practicing as many hours, plus attending all my classes, ensembles, lessons, and trying to get into grad school into one short span of my life. i feel like i don't have enough time to complete things. how can it be healthy for me to be GO GO GO from 9am to 10pm? luckily i do schedule some fun things each week [dancing, meals with people i enjoy, the occasional trip to the coffee shop down the road, now blogging again], but i still always feel like i should probably be practicing or rewriting french questions or filling out the grad apps for which the deadline is rapidly approaching.

pardon the cliché, but life is moving at a thousand miles a minute. i'll go from undergrad to graduate school to artist's diploma [hopefully] to career [hopefully] and then it's full speed ahead from then on out. when is the sabbath? will i have time to experience other parts of life? will i have time to travel? read a good book? fall in love [big "if" attached]? have a family [far away in the future]?

"i'm so excited! i'm so excited! i'm so...scared!"

my heart literally feels heavy

sometimes anyway. lately, i can't decide if it's all the caffeine i take in, my body's way of dealing with stress, or some other external element, but my heart often feels physically weighed down in my chest. it's an odd sensation, i assure you, and all i can do is breathe in deeply and hope it subsides.

life seems weird lately. an odd balance of perfectly content and utter yearning. i am finally starting to feel at home in this city. i love my friends here [old and new]. i finally have a church i love. at times i am so joyful that i think i will burst, and then that sort of ebbs into this yearning for the things i lack. cliche as i know it is, i miss being in some kind of relationship. it's not even the snuggling and the kissing that i miss so much anymore, although that was what i felt most acutely for a long time, but i miss feeling emotionally taken care of. [shame on me for ending that sentence with a preposition.] i miss long talks [or peaceful silences] and phonecalls and feeling like there is some deep, unexplainable connection. now that i think about it, maybe it's not so much that i miss it [have i ever had that with a guy?], but i certainly long for it. i certainly do not take for granted the friends with whom i do have great conversation, in fact, i've been absolutely valuing my friendships more lately, but alas, these friends are women. i want to find that deep kinship with a man. feel protected, taken care of, loved. not that i am weak or fragile, but i want it to be ok to be weak or fragile. i think.

i'm not asking for a ring. or a pin. or a date. or to go steady. i just want to connect.

i guess i'm just frustrated that sometimes i feel like i want to share me with someone else, but whoever i seem to want to share with, doesn't really want to share with me.

spill it

it occured to me today as i sat at work for hours and hours doing absolutely nothing of note that i really ought to have some kind of outlet for all the things in my head. that's why i started this dang blog in the first place, and it's under-used.

i need to write more. i need to stop worrying that someone will judge me for what i should be able to "spill" here. (hmm...perhaps the same needs to carry for the rest of life as well...)

how did i get this old?

i know. i get it. birthdays come every year. i am one of those obnoxious people who just love birthdays. my own birthdays, other people's birthdays, everything. obviously, i am usually far more excited about my own birthday because...well, the day is all about me.
i feel like i'm silly for loving birthdays so much. am i all the sudden too old to be excited to get older? sure, the future is scary, but i am still so excited for what it has to bring. i feel like my best years are still to come. i am constantly growing, figuring myself out, and i feel like there must come a point where i feel grown up. ...right?
will i get to that point where i feel like i have things figured out? is there a plan that will slowly materialized as i embark toward the future? i like to think so. i like to think it will all work out for the best and make sense at some point. i like to think that i will indeed fall deeply in love with some wonderful man some day. i like to think that security and total happiness are just around the corner. they are.
what i forget sometimes, though, is that security and total happiness are already here in a lot of ways. in michael cunningham's book the hours, there is a scene in which clarissa, "mrs. dalloway," describes a moment in her youth where she believed that happiness was just about to materialize, but, she reflects, that was the happiness. that moment. that was it. so, with this lesson, i am, in my youth, being very careful not to put all of my hopes into some time in the future where life will be bliss, but instead to treasure each moment and each experience and learn as much as i can and love God as much as i can and have as much fun as life can have.
all this to say that i am still excited for birthdays. only 30 minutes left in this year's birthday -- it flew by! i don't care if my peers from here on out are less than excited to be getting older, i hope i never lose that.