friend:
I GOT A FREAKING AUDITION AT FREAKING CURTIS!!!!
holy crap. i could not believe my eyes today when i got the email. this is too awesome.
in other news, i made risotto tonight. it was freaking awesome [if i do say so myself], and i got to spend some quality time with 2 of my favorite people in the entire world. now i've gone and stayed up way too late playing with wcs music on the internet with steve. dang it.
sleep calls.
as a kid i remember going to great lengths to convince my mother that i was sick the first day of school after christmas break. it usually worked, crying that i didn't know why i was sick, i just knew i couldn't possibly make it to school. irrational? of course. one would think that this would be merely a childhood anxiety--the need to have one "buffer day" before starting back into life. adults should be able to handle it, right?
unfortunately, this weird trait seems to have followed me into quasi-adulthood, and needless to say, i am freaking out right now. when this hits it's like i can't see a way out of schedules and deadlines, and i end up yearning for home--possibly not even the home that exists now, but the idea of "home" i still have in my head. even as i type this i am swallowing against stupid tears rising in my throat. what is going on with me?
perhaps if i write out everything that's stressing me out, it will just get it out of my head for a little. sorry readers. if anyone's even reading.
ok. stressers: grad school auditions start in 3 weeks, with a mini-performance of my pieces in 2 weeks. not only am i not sure exactly what i'm singing, i don't have it all even remotely learned and memorized.
also, i scheduled 2 auditions for a week that i thought was break in february, but turns out to be the week before break...so now i either have to miss a bunch of school or reschedule, but either way, my needing to be in philly for my temple audition, ann arbor for my u of m audition and all the other things in between adds up to about 30 hours in the car. not great for a) my car and b) my stamina.
next, i still need to [start] learn[ing] my role for this semester's opera. i was supposed to do it over break, but i was so busy that i had no time. that's what i'm telling myself anyway.
on top of all that, i'm supposed to be doing some dumb honors project this semester so i can wear the pretty stole at graduation. as much as i like the stole, i feel like getting into grad school and learning my role are far more important that graduating in the honors program (i'll still be graduation with honors, magna cum laude possibly actually), so i am highly unmotivated to do this project. plus i want to switch my topic, and i haven't done any work on it to begin with. so now i basically want to drop it, and my mother doesn't want me to, and it means confronting the scary honors professor and her trying to talk me out of it or giving me a tongue-lashing because i should have gotten my butt in gear a year ago. i know. [but really, who's going to care whether or not i was in the honors program in undergrad? few.]
perhaps the most distressing is the lonely ache my heart has taken on. ignited, i think, by unlikely [read: hopeless] earthly relationships, my heart is also remembering how much it needs Jesus. so i am determined to schedule more quality time with Him, and i am hoping He will sweep me off my feet. i actually started reading Oswald Chambers' My Utmost for His Highest [though i bought the book instead of opting for the online option], and i think it's a step in the right direction. finally, a devotion that i don't feel like is just fluff. and it's a great feeling to actually find myself valuing my devotional time and feeling like God is actually speaking to me through this man's words. i've also been reading [finally] C.S. Lewis' Narnia series, which is amazing to me. praise the Lord for providing all these words to speak to my heart.
of course, i suppose i still hope that someone on earth would sweep me off my feet too. i'm sure i'm wrong about my hopes concerning man i have in mind, but lately, spending time with him feels like being home. whatever home means.
i feel like i am breaking apart.
stupid heart.
i think i am a control freak. ok, scratch that. i know i'm a control freak. it occurred to me earlier today that the times that i freak out the most are when i feel like things are out of my control. i hate not getting things i "deserve;" i hate waiting; i hate wanting something and not getting it.
yes, i realize this makes me sound like a petulant child.
i just love feeling like i've got some grasp on life. i think perhaps that's why i like organization so much. i love color-coding and specific drawers for specific things...all because that way things are where they are "supposed to be." in my life, i wish i could put things in drawers with labels, or put the next ten years into my handy google calendar. unfortunately...that's not the way that life works. does that terrify me? of course. is it frustrating? eternally. i am terrified about where i'm heading, because from where i'm standing, i can't see the path ahead. i am constantly frustrated about not being able to choose and plan.
cliche or not: i feel like i'm standing in a valley, trying desperately to see around the mountains, wishing i knew what lay ahead, but i can't, because the mountains are in the way.
anyway, all this is prompted by the imminence of my grad school auditions and how completely unready for them i am and how scary that is. today my voice lesson turned into a big tear-fest as i completely freaked out about singing and life in general. luckily my voice teacher is an incredible woman, as both artist and Christian, and i truly believe God speaks through her to me often. she said some really important things, including reminding me that i don't have to do this, and if i ever feel like i do, then i need to reevaluate my motivations. i must always be doing this for me and for God, and not because i need recognition or validation.
i feel like i could write about a hundred more pages, but in interest of sleep, i suppose i should wrap it up.
hello, my name is a.jane, and i am a control freak.
