i am a new creation

i have never felt so new. in recent weeks, my life has changed in an almost non-noticeable way, but i feel like a completely different person. my twisted "romance" with j has at last come to a very final conclusion, and thus i am freed from the hiding from God that i have been doing the past year. knowing He disapproved of my actions, i could barely bring myself to speak to Him and i certainly couldn't ask Him for His blessing or anything, and thus, my walk with the Lord suffered greatly. now i feel like i can freely praise Him, bring to Him my deepest cares, and be happy in His love. even my cynicism is slowly melting, and i know that God is God, and that is that.

it is the greatest feeling in the world.

this doesn't by any means mean that i am perfect. but i am perfect in His love. i am perfectly content with my life the way it is right this second. i am perfectly willing to take the path He wants for me in this life. i am happy in my singleness, having that tiny bit of extra time to hang out with my Jesus. not that i do a terribly wonderful job of making time for Him still, but we are constantly chatting throughout the day, and i know that He loves me more than ever.

someday sometime somewhere i will be perfect for someone and he will be perfect for me too. but not yet. and not soon.

i just love Jesus so much.

just be.

i lie a lot.

i never realized how much i lie, but i lie all the time. i lie about what i ate, i lie about where i've been, i lie about how long i've practiced, i lie about what i've been doing. i lie to everyone i know and tell them there's nothing going on between me and a certain ex-boyfriend. i lie to myself and say that too. it's not that i want things to happen with him, i guess i just know they can and that i'm in control.

but every time someone asks me about it, all i do is lie! i have been this perfect little two-shoes all my life, but i've had this secret lie-life. my "inner monologue" has cursed out more people than i would ever admit or allow to pass through my lips.

it's disgusting.

anyway, i have been lazing around my house for the better part of the day. i feel stuck. stuck in my tastes, stuck financially, stuck in my complacency, stuck in neutral in what should be a highway to my Jesus. that's the part that scares me the most, i think, because i just don't care. i am stuck between thinking that i am just fine and knowing i am not. stuck between desiring the Godly perfection i know i should want and not wanting to be perfect. just wanting to live.

i just want to be, is that so wrong? just be. i want to travel and drift and fall in love and move on. i want to see things and experience life and do things i shouldn't. i want to live on love. i want to stop being so idealistic and start being practical. i want to actually do something. i want to change the world. i want to be a poor farmer. i want a penthouse apartment and a personal assistant. i want to stop being the sounding board. i want to have better advice. i want to start taking the advice of the people i trust. i want people to respect me. i want people to trust me. i want to stop worrying.

real scary

sometimes i just want everyone to go away. i wonder how i managed to make the friends that i've made, especially at school. i wish i could just be with my ladies here all the time. they're the ones i trust forever and always amen. don't get me wrong, i have some great friends at school but sometimes i just wonder how i fit in with them. i feel truly comfortable when i hang out with my new friends this semester. the ride to buffalo and back was blissful. nyc this february would be probably the most wonderful ever.

which brings me to my next point. my darling mother needs to butt out. i don't mean that in a final sort of way. i love her so much. i love to be around her, i love to hug her, and make her dance with me in the kitchen, but i'm just at this point in my life where i need to be allowed to do things. i need to be able to go on road trips with my friends and make mistakes and do things i shouldn't. hello mother dear, i'm in college now. remember what it was like when you were in college?

that's what i thought. i'm not a little girl anymore. i feel like i have to prove that a lot. sometimes i am childlike, but not childish. i'm growing out of backpacks into tote bags, out of toys into tool boxes, out of being a little girl, into...what? i choose not to overanalyze here because...honestly i am terrified of what lies ahead. what will i end up doing? will i really get to fall in love someday? will i have the family i've always dreamed of? it's just a bunch of i don't knows, and that's scary. real scary.

christmas

it's a little after 3 and i still have 3 more presents to wrap. i've been crocheting for the last few hours, only after my parents insisted that i play the piano in a festive manner for a while. the thing is, i don't really play the piano. but the hour of family caroling was lovely, and while i couldn't exactly figure out if i was really enjoying myself or merely faking it, mom and patrick genuinely seemed to love it. sometimes patrick gets all gooey about stuff like that, but that is another topic for another post. right now i'm too comfortable to complain.

i'll be up at least another 20 minutes wrapping, but i am wearing new pajamas, there is a mountain of presents downstairs, and it's my Jesus's birthday. i'm not even afraid of the dark tonight.

settling in

tonight my mom laughed so hard she cried. i kept talking in a funny voice, and all the sudden her face was red and tears were streaming down her face. suddenly all i wanted was to lay on the couch, eat chocolates, and watch white christmas with her--just the two of us. i miss the days pre-patrick, when it was mom and me, but i'm beginning to once again be comfortable in my own home, with my parents and everyone. this summer was rough, and i really just wanted out. but lately, i am feeling more at home here. perhaps it's just the christmas season, but something inside me yearns for family. on the other hand, my step-siblings still drive me a little crazy, it's always a bit annoying when my uncle can't control his wild sons, and i dread seeing my barbie doll of a cousin at any cost. but on the bright side as always, james is so funny i can barely keep from laughing all the time, my grandparents always mean well no matter how much they may irritate me, and my mother is concerned but sweet as always.

my dad and douglas are coming for christmas and i cannot even put my excitement into words. this is the first christmas in years that my father has been in the same town on christmas day, and their 9-hour drive means more to me than he'll ever know. i have finally found such a kinship with my father, and though late in coming, it's incredibly exciting.

lately i find lately that my imagination has been running absolutely rampant. i have this phobia of being in my house with all the lights off, turning the corner to see an unfamiliar shadow or looking out the window into a scary face. my fears are, yes, irrational, but i cannot seem to quiet them regardless. i stay up later and later in attempts to ward off these fears, only to discover them at their worst as i trudge up the dark stairs toward my room as the rest of the house sleeps, half-expecting something wretched lurking in the hall.

it's good to have a place to just write.