settling in

tonight my mom laughed so hard she cried. i kept talking in a funny voice, and all the sudden her face was red and tears were streaming down her face. suddenly all i wanted was to lay on the couch, eat chocolates, and watch white christmas with her--just the two of us. i miss the days pre-patrick, when it was mom and me, but i'm beginning to once again be comfortable in my own home, with my parents and everyone. this summer was rough, and i really just wanted out. but lately, i am feeling more at home here. perhaps it's just the christmas season, but something inside me yearns for family. on the other hand, my step-siblings still drive me a little crazy, it's always a bit annoying when my uncle can't control his wild sons, and i dread seeing my barbie doll of a cousin at any cost. but on the bright side as always, james is so funny i can barely keep from laughing all the time, my grandparents always mean well no matter how much they may irritate me, and my mother is concerned but sweet as always.

my dad and douglas are coming for christmas and i cannot even put my excitement into words. this is the first christmas in years that my father has been in the same town on christmas day, and their 9-hour drive means more to me than he'll ever know. i have finally found such a kinship with my father, and though late in coming, it's incredibly exciting.

lately i find lately that my imagination has been running absolutely rampant. i have this phobia of being in my house with all the lights off, turning the corner to see an unfamiliar shadow or looking out the window into a scary face. my fears are, yes, irrational, but i cannot seem to quiet them regardless. i stay up later and later in attempts to ward off these fears, only to discover them at their worst as i trudge up the dark stairs toward my room as the rest of the house sleeps, half-expecting something wretched lurking in the hall.

it's good to have a place to just write.