dear my body,

this is really not a great week for you to get sick. maybe we can postpone this to next week? it's just, i have some really important musical events friday and saturday, and i just can't get sick. deal?

love,
a.jane

in other news, i am getting a cold. usually i can push all sickness off until the end of the semester and then just get sick all at once when my finals are over. as much as i hate the flu, right now is a less-good time to get sick.

also, what are the odds that when you really want one thing it turns out something you totally didn't expect is better? i guess it happens quite often.

another thing--maybe it wouldn't be so bad to stay in the area and go to school here.

healing hands of God

have mercy on our unclean souls once again
Jesus Christ, Light of the world, burning bright within our hearts forever.
freedom means love with condition, without beginning or an end.

here's my heart, let it be forever Yours.
only You can make every new day seem so new.

-fif

your homework: go listen to [or at least look up lyrics for] 'on distant shores' and 'every new day.'

let me in

...pretty please?

in other news--i forgot how much i liked to paint, even though my shins are now suffering the consequences of having steadied myself with them against the ladder for 4-ish hours yesterday morning.

in other other news, i am at a loss and need to just keep my mind off things.

i wrote a post earlier today. perhaps i will post it later. we'll see.

ergh

sometimes the more you talk or think about something or someone, the worse you feel about the whole sordid thing.

i need to learn how to shut off my brain/heart.

and why is it i want to fix fix fix? i see the broken. i see you broken. i see you were broken. you still are broken, i think, but i really want to help, want to be there.

i do not like the movie moulin rouge.

need me [or, on prayer]

i am seriously missing being missed and needed.

i think one of the most frustrating things in life is wanting something so truly and with so much of your heart and not getting it and not being able to do a single thing about it. if i am truly wishing with my heart, then why not?

also, on prayer. i need to get better at being faithful to my Lord. sometimes i forget to pray or i don't pray because i don't see a point--my praying isn't going to change God. in shadowlands, a film about cs lewis' life and marriage, he says at one point [played by anthony hopkins], "i don't pray because it changes God. i pray because it changes me. because i must. because it flows out of me." [or something close to that.] i feel like this is a good point, because clearly my pleadings aren't going to make God go, "oh, how silly I've been. I change My awesome and almighty mind now." my prayers should be changing and humbling me according to His grace and power. easier said than done. i don't always like to be changed and humbled. but i think i need to be.

if this desire in my heart is not of the Lord, i wish it would just leave, because it hurts to hope for a hopeless cause.