growing up

i am growing up. i was trying to get around it, but it is happening and i can't stop it. soon i will have grad schools to apply to and apartments to find and jobs to keep.

next week i attend the first wedding of one of my friends, and i'm almost dreading it in a way. i know that i'm on a very different path than most, especially most at my school, but does it mean i've failed somehow if i haven't settled down by my junior year? the plan was always to go to college, get married, and have a family, and the more i live, the more i don't want that plan. of course i want to fall in love, but does it mean that i have missed some cosmic benchmark if i've not already found "the one"?

apart from my very best friend (who is out of the country at the moment), i am the only one of my close friends who remains single. although i sometimes trick myself into believing this is caused by some flaw of mine, this can surely not be the case. i, like most other normal 19 year olds, can not reasonably "settle down" this early! i have a life to live. i must believe that this is God's path for me. i must.

people move on and grow up, and i have to let them and i will have to join them. i hold on to too much. i can keep my angelina ballerina books, but it was time for the stuffed animals to go. essentially, i'm growing up. there's nothing i can do to slow it down, but i wouldn't want to even if i could. i'm halfway through college, and that's scary, but it's life. it's life, and it barrels on and we don't get a say in how fast the time flies.

i just thank God for His infininite blessings, and pray that someday this all makes sense.

newness

time to write about something happy and hopeful. i am who i'm meant to be, and it's time to move on from sadness.

news of the hour: i love to sing. no really, i love it. i just performed in an opera scene, my very first, the third act of puccini's boheme, and even though i was on stage a grand total of 4 minutes, i am hooked. for life.

ever since i started college, i've been wishy-washy about being a performance major. i knew i didn't want to teach music, and i knew i didn't want to just get a BA, so i settled for performance. i was also pretty sure this was what God wanted. but here's the thing--i never really thought about pursuing performance as a serious career. it was going to be too hard and too scary and too not-normal.

but after this amazing experience working with super-talented singers with sets and make-up and costumes and diction coachings and singing with my whole self...i can do nothing else. it's not just something i want to do, but opera has finally become something i must do.

i've been feeling this way more and more this week, getting ready for tonight, but this evening, as i was standing in constance's studio after warming up, i told her my newfound determination and drive, and i burst into tears. i completely lost it. i just stood there, weeping like a baby, because i know deep inside of me that it is meant to be.

and i have such a peace.

i am a new creation

i have never felt so new. in recent weeks, my life has changed in an almost non-noticeable way, but i feel like a completely different person. my twisted "romance" with j has at last come to a very final conclusion, and thus i am freed from the hiding from God that i have been doing the past year. knowing He disapproved of my actions, i could barely bring myself to speak to Him and i certainly couldn't ask Him for His blessing or anything, and thus, my walk with the Lord suffered greatly. now i feel like i can freely praise Him, bring to Him my deepest cares, and be happy in His love. even my cynicism is slowly melting, and i know that God is God, and that is that.

it is the greatest feeling in the world.

this doesn't by any means mean that i am perfect. but i am perfect in His love. i am perfectly content with my life the way it is right this second. i am perfectly willing to take the path He wants for me in this life. i am happy in my singleness, having that tiny bit of extra time to hang out with my Jesus. not that i do a terribly wonderful job of making time for Him still, but we are constantly chatting throughout the day, and i know that He loves me more than ever.

someday sometime somewhere i will be perfect for someone and he will be perfect for me too. but not yet. and not soon.

i just love Jesus so much.

just be.

i lie a lot.

i never realized how much i lie, but i lie all the time. i lie about what i ate, i lie about where i've been, i lie about how long i've practiced, i lie about what i've been doing. i lie to everyone i know and tell them there's nothing going on between me and a certain ex-boyfriend. i lie to myself and say that too. it's not that i want things to happen with him, i guess i just know they can and that i'm in control.

but every time someone asks me about it, all i do is lie! i have been this perfect little two-shoes all my life, but i've had this secret lie-life. my "inner monologue" has cursed out more people than i would ever admit or allow to pass through my lips.

it's disgusting.

anyway, i have been lazing around my house for the better part of the day. i feel stuck. stuck in my tastes, stuck financially, stuck in my complacency, stuck in neutral in what should be a highway to my Jesus. that's the part that scares me the most, i think, because i just don't care. i am stuck between thinking that i am just fine and knowing i am not. stuck between desiring the Godly perfection i know i should want and not wanting to be perfect. just wanting to live.

i just want to be, is that so wrong? just be. i want to travel and drift and fall in love and move on. i want to see things and experience life and do things i shouldn't. i want to live on love. i want to stop being so idealistic and start being practical. i want to actually do something. i want to change the world. i want to be a poor farmer. i want a penthouse apartment and a personal assistant. i want to stop being the sounding board. i want to have better advice. i want to start taking the advice of the people i trust. i want people to respect me. i want people to trust me. i want to stop worrying.

real scary

sometimes i just want everyone to go away. i wonder how i managed to make the friends that i've made, especially at school. i wish i could just be with my ladies here all the time. they're the ones i trust forever and always amen. don't get me wrong, i have some great friends at school but sometimes i just wonder how i fit in with them. i feel truly comfortable when i hang out with my new friends this semester. the ride to buffalo and back was blissful. nyc this february would be probably the most wonderful ever.

which brings me to my next point. my darling mother needs to butt out. i don't mean that in a final sort of way. i love her so much. i love to be around her, i love to hug her, and make her dance with me in the kitchen, but i'm just at this point in my life where i need to be allowed to do things. i need to be able to go on road trips with my friends and make mistakes and do things i shouldn't. hello mother dear, i'm in college now. remember what it was like when you were in college?

that's what i thought. i'm not a little girl anymore. i feel like i have to prove that a lot. sometimes i am childlike, but not childish. i'm growing out of backpacks into tote bags, out of toys into tool boxes, out of being a little girl, into...what? i choose not to overanalyze here because...honestly i am terrified of what lies ahead. what will i end up doing? will i really get to fall in love someday? will i have the family i've always dreamed of? it's just a bunch of i don't knows, and that's scary. real scary.