first audition today!

at eastman. i'm in for a long day of sweaty palms, i think. i'm mostly excited, but there are always a healthy amount of nerves involved.

prayers appreciated! have a lovely day!!

it's a crazy world

indeed.

it's already february. [how did that happen!?] my first audition is this friday, at eastman, and then it's successive stressing out every 3 or so days for the next 2 weeks. and then it will be over. the relief is almost palpable. luckily, my voice teacher and i have been making some real progress lately, which unfortunately means reworking a lot of things, but is totally worth it in the process. she is pushing me harder than i sometimes like, but i need it and boy, is it paying off. this is exciting stuff. [you can take my word for it.]

this weekend was less than relaxing; though i did have a little time to just chill out, i generally did not get enough sleep and was running around trying to get everything done. however, i did have a really great time watching the superbowl with a good friend [whose poor heart was crushed at the outcome] at rit with a bunch of nerdy [but really nice!] boys [who, coincidentally, almost all had really terrible haircuts. just an observation]. there were about 20 people there, and i single-handedly made up half the female population. represent.

i've also started 'tumbling.' i think i am not going to post the link [at least right now], so i can keep things tidy and separated [plus also write whatever dumb thing pops in my heads over there!]. and now i must go study mozart before i fall asleep. goodnight, dear reader[s].

at an intersection

i've been fretting again. on and off. unfortunately, tonight it's been on. i don't know what my problem is. i keep worrying about dumb stuff, when God has been constantly speaking truth and reassurance of His love and wisdom to me. i feel like i am about to come to some kind of intersection, and once i choose which way i'm heading, there's no turning back. i continually stress out about the 5 grad school auditions i have next month. where will i get in? will i make new friends there? will i be any good? am i cut out for this? after they're over, all i can do is wait and know that i've done my best, but i have to get through them first.

also, i keep worrying about the relationships in my life changing once graduation hits. my little 'family' will likely be going lots of different ways in the next few months, years, and while i knew that we wouldn't all be together forever, it seems scarier than necessary for us all to be all over the place, hopefully keeping in touch. it feels like it's been a long time since i have felt so [completely] comfortable with a group of people, and i love the home-y feeling we have. i guess i just don't want it to change. also, relatedly [i guess], i mentioned to one of my good guy friends that i felt like he had pretty much become my best friend, and i think that freaked him out a bit. oh well, he'll get over it. before tiny-christian-college-overrun-by-girls-wanting-husbands, i always seemed to have one good guy friend who i could talk to about life or guy issues, or cry to, or get a hug from if i needed it, and i have missed that so much in college. not that i don't have friends who are guys, but there is really a lot more women at my school than men, and many of the guys here are really not so much the sort of gents i want to spend too much time with. i'm just sayin.

ugh. i need to snap out of this weird funk thing. i'm really ok. i'm actually really excited about all the stuff coming up, it just seems to frighten me an amount equal to the excitement. i'm also really excited about the Lord, because we have been getting reacquainted and i can feel some of my cynicism melting and also i see His hand everywhere. it's crazy. and awesome. and that's another topic for another post.

Lord, i need You. i need You. i need You. help me trust You in everything.
i need You, i need You, i need You.

grad school update #3

I GOT A FREAKING AUDITION AT FREAKING CURTIS!!!!

holy crap. i could not believe my eyes today when i got the email. this is too awesome.


in other news, i made risotto tonight. it was freaking awesome [if i do say so myself], and i got to spend some quality time with 2 of my favorite people in the entire world. now i've gone and stayed up way too late playing with wcs music on the internet with steve. dang it.

sleep calls.

my utmost isn't much at the moment

as a kid i remember going to great lengths to convince my mother that i was sick the first day of school after christmas break. it usually worked, crying that i didn't know why i was sick, i just knew i couldn't possibly make it to school. irrational? of course. one would think that this would be merely a childhood anxiety--the need to have one "buffer day" before starting back into life. adults should be able to handle it, right?

unfortunately, this weird trait seems to have followed me into quasi-adulthood, and needless to say, i am freaking out right now. when this hits it's like i can't see a way out of schedules and deadlines, and i end up yearning for home--possibly not even the home that exists now, but the idea of "home" i still have in my head. even as i type this i am swallowing against stupid tears rising in my throat. what is going on with me?

perhaps if i write out everything that's stressing me out, it will just get it out of my head for a little. sorry readers. if anyone's even reading.

ok. stressers: grad school auditions start in 3 weeks, with a mini-performance of my pieces in 2 weeks. not only am i not sure exactly what i'm singing, i don't have it all even remotely learned and memorized.
also, i scheduled 2 auditions for a week that i thought was break in february, but turns out to be the week before break...so now i either have to miss a bunch of school or reschedule, but either way, my needing to be in philly for my temple audition, ann arbor for my u of m audition and all the other things in between adds up to about 30 hours in the car. not great for a) my car and b) my stamina.
next, i still need to [start] learn[ing] my role for this semester's opera. i was supposed to do it over break, but i was so busy that i had no time. that's what i'm telling myself anyway.
on top of all that, i'm supposed to be doing some dumb honors project this semester so i can wear the pretty stole at graduation. as much as i like the stole, i feel like getting into grad school and learning my role are far more important that graduating in the honors program (i'll still be graduation with honors, magna cum laude possibly actually), so i am highly unmotivated to do this project. plus i want to switch my topic, and i haven't done any work on it to begin with. so now i basically want to drop it, and my mother doesn't want me to, and it means confronting the scary honors professor and her trying to talk me out of it or giving me a tongue-lashing because i should have gotten my butt in gear a year ago. i know. [but really, who's going to care whether or not i was in the honors program in undergrad? few.]

perhaps the most distressing is the lonely ache my heart has taken on. ignited, i think, by unlikely [read: hopeless] earthly relationships, my heart is also remembering how much it needs Jesus. so i am determined to schedule more quality time with Him, and i am hoping He will sweep me off my feet. i actually started reading Oswald Chambers' My Utmost for His Highest [though i bought the book instead of opting for the online option], and i think it's a step in the right direction. finally, a devotion that i don't feel like is just fluff. and it's a great feeling to actually find myself valuing my devotional time and feeling like God is actually speaking to me through this man's words. i've also been reading [finally] C.S. Lewis' Narnia series, which is amazing to me. praise the Lord for providing all these words to speak to my heart.

of course, i suppose i still hope that someone on earth would sweep me off my feet too. i'm sure i'm wrong about my hopes concerning man i have in mind, but lately, spending time with him feels like being home. whatever home means.

i feel like i am breaking apart.

stupid heart.

control freak

i think i am a control freak. ok, scratch that. i know i'm a control freak. it occurred to me earlier today that the times that i freak out the most are when i feel like things are out of my control. i hate not getting things i "deserve;" i hate waiting; i hate wanting something and not getting it.

yes, i realize this makes me sound like a petulant child.

i just love feeling like i've got some grasp on life. i think perhaps that's why i like organization so much. i love color-coding and specific drawers for specific things...all because that way things are where they are "supposed to be." in my life, i wish i could put things in drawers with labels, or put the next ten years into my handy google calendar. unfortunately...that's not the way that life works. does that terrify me? of course. is it frustrating? eternally. i am terrified about where i'm heading, because from where i'm standing, i can't see the path ahead. i am constantly frustrated about not being able to choose and plan.

cliche or not: i feel like i'm standing in a valley, trying desperately to see around the mountains, wishing i knew what lay ahead, but i can't, because the mountains are in the way.

anyway, all this is prompted by the imminence of my grad school auditions and how completely unready for them i am and how scary that is. today my voice lesson turned into a big tear-fest as i completely freaked out about singing and life in general. luckily my voice teacher is an incredible woman, as both artist and Christian, and i truly believe God speaks through her to me often. she said some really important things, including reminding me that i don't have to do this, and if i ever feel like i do, then i need to reevaluate my motivations. i must always be doing this for me and for God, and not because i need recognition or validation.

i feel like i could write about a hundred more pages, but in interest of sleep, i suppose i should wrap it up.

hello, my name is a.jane, and i am a control freak.

post script - grad school update #2

i got an audition at Eastman!!!!

now to get in....

post script - grad school update #1

i nearly forgot! i'm sure you remember my whining about getting all my grad school applications in on time. i did get them all in, and i'm still deciding whether or not i feel like it's worth it to apply to boston u, but i applied to the following: cincinnati [reach], michigan, temple, osu, curtis [loooong shot], and eastman [reach].

i've heard back from cincinnati, who does not want me, and michigan, who has cordially invited me to come audition and interview. i was pretty disappointed about not even getting an audition at cincinnati, but, as adrienne pointed out, that must not be where God wants me to be. it would have been fun to live rent-free at my dad's in a new city, but i will just keep looking. michigan could be promising because i had a lesson with one of the voice teachers there and she said she hoped i'd consider going there and studying with her. ann arbor seems ridiculously busy as most college-centered cities are, but i suppose i could handle it, though i'd rather be in a city that exists without the prodding of the university.

i'll say no more about it because i don't want to jinx it.

it's go-time

it's only wednesday [oh, i guess now it's thursday technically], and it feels like it should already be the middle of next week this week is dragging so. december 1st is looming closer and closer, and grad school applications have started to make me cry on a regular basis. it became clear in the last few days that i have a little less than a month to: learn at least 3 new, huge pieces; perfect them and the other rep i've been working on; and record all this to send out to my prospective schools by december 1st. in addition to the actual application-filling-out, document-gathering, and essay-writing that accompanies a normal application process.

tonight i punched grad school in the face 1,000 times and learned 2 of the arias. now to memorize them. it also has recently occured to me that i need to start working my freaking butt off. it's go-time now. no more "later" or "i don't feel like it." i need to practice. now. if i'm having fun, i sure as hell better have already spent time in the practice room that day. enough already, a.jane. this is getting ridiculous.

mercifully, professor voiceteacher has decided that i should cut back on some of my other activities, including the "class" i'm taking with her. she even demanded that i forget about my honors project until after my applications are in, saying she'd straighten things out with dr. crazyhonorslady if the need arose. i love professor voiceteacher. more than she'll ever know.

luckily, the fact that it's thursday right now [a technicality] necessitates that tomorrow be friday, which means it's the weekend! i'm taking friday night off to go to roommate's family's party about an hour and a half from here, which means some quality car-time with a good friend of mine who happens to need a ride to the same place. funny how that works out, isn't it? and i am so looking forward to it.

enough now. german homework and my bed await me.

pride/entitlement

i may or may not be listening to just a little christmas music right now. amy grant, home for christmas. it's my favorite; don't judge me.

friday night was very-important-competition night. after fighting off illness and actually singing pretty well despite it, i...didn't win. which, i'm not going to lie, did not make me the world's happiest mezzo-soprano. there were, of course, tears [i "deserved" to win!].

then bam:
saturday chorale rehearsal. what is the devotion? pride. ouch.
sunday morning sermon. the parable of the pharisee and the tax collector praying in the synagogue (see luke 18:9-14). what is the sermon topic? pride. double ouch.

ok God, i get it! i'm prideful! but it's sort of been setting in this weekend that pride is something that i really need help with. as far as music goes, i've gotten quite used to being the proverbial "big fish in a small pond." i generally get solos, roles, etc. that i want/feel like i deserve. it's the beauty of being semi-talented in a small department. however, this is not how the rest of the business will work. i will no longer be the star child, starring in opera after opera to rave reviews.

after the sermon this morning [to refocus back on my original point and not *shock* on me...], i couldn't help but ponder the role of the feeling of "entitlement" in america. i read an article once somewhere that said that one of the main reason girls my age [and younger] are so mean and awful is because they've been raised to think they're entitled to having some fantastic life, and when someone gets in their way, watch out! the claws come out. we all feel that way, i think. i felt like i was entitled to win that contest. people feel like they're entitled to big, gas-guzzling cars, high paychecks, 3 meals a day, christmas presents, etc. don't get me wrong, i'm not saying these are intrinsically bad things, i'm just saying that we have grown up in a society that makes us feel like we deserve them--the american dream.

what does this mean for us as christians then? if we are entitled to these earthly things, then what? we were not entitled to the Son of God stepping down to take our sins on His back and dying for us. that was grace, fortunately. we could never, ever be good enough or impressive enough to be entitled to such mercy.

i feel like this is turning into a rant. i don't mean it to be so, but it is certainly something that's been on my mind lately. basically my point is that i wasn't entitled to win that contest, and i'm not entitled to get into grad school.

but here's hoping.

in other news, i have the most wonderful housemates, and we spent the evening carving pumpkins [which apparently irritates my skin], baking the seeds, and making cute little autumnal chocolates. i needed that. today was just lovely, actually. i have somehow ended up with the best friends a girl could ask for.

dear my body,

this is really not a great week for you to get sick. maybe we can postpone this to next week? it's just, i have some really important musical events friday and saturday, and i just can't get sick. deal?

love,
a.jane

in other news, i am getting a cold. usually i can push all sickness off until the end of the semester and then just get sick all at once when my finals are over. as much as i hate the flu, right now is a less-good time to get sick.

also, what are the odds that when you really want one thing it turns out something you totally didn't expect is better? i guess it happens quite often.

another thing--maybe it wouldn't be so bad to stay in the area and go to school here.

there's never any time!

"i don't have time to study! i 'll never get into Stanford! i'll let everyone down; i'm so confused!"
oh Jessie Spano... i'm sure you've seen this episode of saved by the bell. as silly as it sounds, i can definitely relate with Ms. Spano's dilemma. surely there are not enough hours in the day to study, practice, get enough sleep, and have some semblance of a social life. at this point, just to keep from double-booking myself is a feat in itself.

lately, i've been in overdrive. since the beginning of the semester, my body could sense crunch-time, and it gets confused. in my last post i talked about how my heart feels heavy sometimes--i think that must be stress-related too. i feel like i shouldn't have to try to squeeze in working 20 hours a week in the office, practicing as many hours, plus attending all my classes, ensembles, lessons, and trying to get into grad school into one short span of my life. i feel like i don't have enough time to complete things. how can it be healthy for me to be GO GO GO from 9am to 10pm? luckily i do schedule some fun things each week [dancing, meals with people i enjoy, the occasional trip to the coffee shop down the road, now blogging again], but i still always feel like i should probably be practicing or rewriting french questions or filling out the grad apps for which the deadline is rapidly approaching.

pardon the cliché, but life is moving at a thousand miles a minute. i'll go from undergrad to graduate school to artist's diploma [hopefully] to career [hopefully] and then it's full speed ahead from then on out. when is the sabbath? will i have time to experience other parts of life? will i have time to travel? read a good book? fall in love [big "if" attached]? have a family [far away in the future]?

"i'm so excited! i'm so excited! i'm so...scared!"