talk about a rollercoast

holy moly. the last few weeks [and the next few weeks] have been [will be] nuts. two weeks ago i had a big paper about alternative energy due. this week's big focus was finishing my honors project, which i successfully presented saturday morning! hooray! i did a comparative study on the Mignon lieder, which are songs inspired by some of Goethe's famous poetry. pretty interesting stuff, actually, and now all i have to do is write the big paper to accompany it, but i've already done most of my research.

this coming weekend is Hansel and Gretel, in which i play Hansel [it's a pants role]. incidentally, if you're in the rochester area this weekend, come on out! leave comments for info.

oy. this weekend was a blur. honors project yesterday morning [after 5 hours' sleep], market/bank run, bridal shower, quick nap, shower, voice lesson, orchestra concert, liquor store run for yummy wine, tim's band's show downtown, over to a friend's for chill time. today was a full day of chorale 'fun' after only 4 hours' sleep. mercifully we had a 2-hour bus ride each way that i used to its full sleeping potential. then i had rehearsal tonight, chatted a while with pea, and here i am. someone put my laundry in the drier for me; it was very nice of them.

on my heart's front, things are ok. i am remembering all the good things about being single [it's not like i was away from it for all that long]. Jesus and i had a really good chat last weekend when i was really upset it all. He reminded me that He wants to be where i thought chris should be--as that one, stable thing in my life. i do miss him though. sometimes it's frustrating because he is pretty sucky at being my friend, and he was all for being good friends and blah blah blah. sometimes i can't help just staring at him, which is probably not a good thing, but whatever. i don't know. i'm trying to let it go; i don't know why it's so hard.

i could probably write about 8 more pages about myself [because we all love talking about ourselves], but i really need to go to sleep. i haven't been sleeping nearly enough. goodnight!

thoughts in the car

how deeply must it wound our God when we distrust His strength and timing?

it is important that i enjoy this season of singularity [well, 'singleness,' but i enjoy the term 'singularity']. it will [hopefully] not last forever, but while it persists, i must use my freedom for good and bask in every second of it. this is a truly exceptional time in my life, and i must 'suck the marrow out' of every moment, as this season will eventually change to the next.

i really need to get better at quiet time/devotions. i always have good intentions, but i lack follow-through.

gush, gush, gush

ugh. i have sucked at posting lately. things have been busy. my eastman audition was friday, temple was supposed to be today but i canceled (postponed?) it. so now i have to get all my orchestration homework/reading done before tomorrow. it's not even 11 yet, so i think i'm ok.

lately my heart has been at a weird intersection. for one, i've been far too busy to really have time to think about being lonely. also, i've been feeling really supported by my God, which is an amazing feeling and helps the heart immensely. however, i am sometimes lonely. despite the intense love i feel daily from my friends, i miss feeling like i'm above-and-beyond-special to someone, you know? i miss little "just thinking of you"s and being snuggled. oh, how i could use a good cuddle!

overall, i promise, i am so happy with life. it is so rich and full of meaning and love. my friends are more amazing than i can ever remember imagining or wishing for, and these "brothers" i have gained are...well, i have no words. i feel like i'm always gushing about them, but seriously, how much luckier could a girl get?

also, i would like to say this: how freaking amazing is Jesus? um, freaking amazing. it is so amazing to me how much i've changed in the past 6 months even. at the beginning of the summer, i was miss wild-child, i'm-going-to-be-crazy-and-you-can't-stop-me, and now, i just feel so much more content with life and i feel like i don't need to be crazy. i don't know if this even makes sense, but i am really appreciating feeling like i can really trust in the Lord. that phrase always seemed kind of overused, but really, the Lord is stronger than i could ever want to be, and if He can't handle it, help me get through whatever, help me have patience, help me get into grad school, help me pay for grad school...if He can't, then who? it is in His hands.

my voice teacher always prays that doors He wants open will open so no one will be able to shut them, and that doors He wants closed will be closed so that no one could open them.
that is my prayer too.

at an intersection

i've been fretting again. on and off. unfortunately, tonight it's been on. i don't know what my problem is. i keep worrying about dumb stuff, when God has been constantly speaking truth and reassurance of His love and wisdom to me. i feel like i am about to come to some kind of intersection, and once i choose which way i'm heading, there's no turning back. i continually stress out about the 5 grad school auditions i have next month. where will i get in? will i make new friends there? will i be any good? am i cut out for this? after they're over, all i can do is wait and know that i've done my best, but i have to get through them first.

also, i keep worrying about the relationships in my life changing once graduation hits. my little 'family' will likely be going lots of different ways in the next few months, years, and while i knew that we wouldn't all be together forever, it seems scarier than necessary for us all to be all over the place, hopefully keeping in touch. it feels like it's been a long time since i have felt so [completely] comfortable with a group of people, and i love the home-y feeling we have. i guess i just don't want it to change. also, relatedly [i guess], i mentioned to one of my good guy friends that i felt like he had pretty much become my best friend, and i think that freaked him out a bit. oh well, he'll get over it. before tiny-christian-college-overrun-by-girls-wanting-husbands, i always seemed to have one good guy friend who i could talk to about life or guy issues, or cry to, or get a hug from if i needed it, and i have missed that so much in college. not that i don't have friends who are guys, but there is really a lot more women at my school than men, and many of the guys here are really not so much the sort of gents i want to spend too much time with. i'm just sayin.

ugh. i need to snap out of this weird funk thing. i'm really ok. i'm actually really excited about all the stuff coming up, it just seems to frighten me an amount equal to the excitement. i'm also really excited about the Lord, because we have been getting reacquainted and i can feel some of my cynicism melting and also i see His hand everywhere. it's crazy. and awesome. and that's another topic for another post.

Lord, i need You. i need You. i need You. help me trust You in everything.
i need You, i need You, i need You.

my utmost isn't much at the moment

as a kid i remember going to great lengths to convince my mother that i was sick the first day of school after christmas break. it usually worked, crying that i didn't know why i was sick, i just knew i couldn't possibly make it to school. irrational? of course. one would think that this would be merely a childhood anxiety--the need to have one "buffer day" before starting back into life. adults should be able to handle it, right?

unfortunately, this weird trait seems to have followed me into quasi-adulthood, and needless to say, i am freaking out right now. when this hits it's like i can't see a way out of schedules and deadlines, and i end up yearning for home--possibly not even the home that exists now, but the idea of "home" i still have in my head. even as i type this i am swallowing against stupid tears rising in my throat. what is going on with me?

perhaps if i write out everything that's stressing me out, it will just get it out of my head for a little. sorry readers. if anyone's even reading.

ok. stressers: grad school auditions start in 3 weeks, with a mini-performance of my pieces in 2 weeks. not only am i not sure exactly what i'm singing, i don't have it all even remotely learned and memorized.
also, i scheduled 2 auditions for a week that i thought was break in february, but turns out to be the week before break...so now i either have to miss a bunch of school or reschedule, but either way, my needing to be in philly for my temple audition, ann arbor for my u of m audition and all the other things in between adds up to about 30 hours in the car. not great for a) my car and b) my stamina.
next, i still need to [start] learn[ing] my role for this semester's opera. i was supposed to do it over break, but i was so busy that i had no time. that's what i'm telling myself anyway.
on top of all that, i'm supposed to be doing some dumb honors project this semester so i can wear the pretty stole at graduation. as much as i like the stole, i feel like getting into grad school and learning my role are far more important that graduating in the honors program (i'll still be graduation with honors, magna cum laude possibly actually), so i am highly unmotivated to do this project. plus i want to switch my topic, and i haven't done any work on it to begin with. so now i basically want to drop it, and my mother doesn't want me to, and it means confronting the scary honors professor and her trying to talk me out of it or giving me a tongue-lashing because i should have gotten my butt in gear a year ago. i know. [but really, who's going to care whether or not i was in the honors program in undergrad? few.]

perhaps the most distressing is the lonely ache my heart has taken on. ignited, i think, by unlikely [read: hopeless] earthly relationships, my heart is also remembering how much it needs Jesus. so i am determined to schedule more quality time with Him, and i am hoping He will sweep me off my feet. i actually started reading Oswald Chambers' My Utmost for His Highest [though i bought the book instead of opting for the online option], and i think it's a step in the right direction. finally, a devotion that i don't feel like is just fluff. and it's a great feeling to actually find myself valuing my devotional time and feeling like God is actually speaking to me through this man's words. i've also been reading [finally] C.S. Lewis' Narnia series, which is amazing to me. praise the Lord for providing all these words to speak to my heart.

of course, i suppose i still hope that someone on earth would sweep me off my feet too. i'm sure i'm wrong about my hopes concerning man i have in mind, but lately, spending time with him feels like being home. whatever home means.

i feel like i am breaking apart.

stupid heart.

pride/entitlement

i may or may not be listening to just a little christmas music right now. amy grant, home for christmas. it's my favorite; don't judge me.

friday night was very-important-competition night. after fighting off illness and actually singing pretty well despite it, i...didn't win. which, i'm not going to lie, did not make me the world's happiest mezzo-soprano. there were, of course, tears [i "deserved" to win!].

then bam:
saturday chorale rehearsal. what is the devotion? pride. ouch.
sunday morning sermon. the parable of the pharisee and the tax collector praying in the synagogue (see luke 18:9-14). what is the sermon topic? pride. double ouch.

ok God, i get it! i'm prideful! but it's sort of been setting in this weekend that pride is something that i really need help with. as far as music goes, i've gotten quite used to being the proverbial "big fish in a small pond." i generally get solos, roles, etc. that i want/feel like i deserve. it's the beauty of being semi-talented in a small department. however, this is not how the rest of the business will work. i will no longer be the star child, starring in opera after opera to rave reviews.

after the sermon this morning [to refocus back on my original point and not *shock* on me...], i couldn't help but ponder the role of the feeling of "entitlement" in america. i read an article once somewhere that said that one of the main reason girls my age [and younger] are so mean and awful is because they've been raised to think they're entitled to having some fantastic life, and when someone gets in their way, watch out! the claws come out. we all feel that way, i think. i felt like i was entitled to win that contest. people feel like they're entitled to big, gas-guzzling cars, high paychecks, 3 meals a day, christmas presents, etc. don't get me wrong, i'm not saying these are intrinsically bad things, i'm just saying that we have grown up in a society that makes us feel like we deserve them--the american dream.

what does this mean for us as christians then? if we are entitled to these earthly things, then what? we were not entitled to the Son of God stepping down to take our sins on His back and dying for us. that was grace, fortunately. we could never, ever be good enough or impressive enough to be entitled to such mercy.

i feel like this is turning into a rant. i don't mean it to be so, but it is certainly something that's been on my mind lately. basically my point is that i wasn't entitled to win that contest, and i'm not entitled to get into grad school.

but here's hoping.

in other news, i have the most wonderful housemates, and we spent the evening carving pumpkins [which apparently irritates my skin], baking the seeds, and making cute little autumnal chocolates. i needed that. today was just lovely, actually. i have somehow ended up with the best friends a girl could ask for.

healing hands of God

have mercy on our unclean souls once again
Jesus Christ, Light of the world, burning bright within our hearts forever.
freedom means love with condition, without beginning or an end.

here's my heart, let it be forever Yours.
only You can make every new day seem so new.

-fif

your homework: go listen to [or at least look up lyrics for] 'on distant shores' and 'every new day.'

need me [or, on prayer]

i am seriously missing being missed and needed.

i think one of the most frustrating things in life is wanting something so truly and with so much of your heart and not getting it and not being able to do a single thing about it. if i am truly wishing with my heart, then why not?

also, on prayer. i need to get better at being faithful to my Lord. sometimes i forget to pray or i don't pray because i don't see a point--my praying isn't going to change God. in shadowlands, a film about cs lewis' life and marriage, he says at one point [played by anthony hopkins], "i don't pray because it changes God. i pray because it changes me. because i must. because it flows out of me." [or something close to that.] i feel like this is a good point, because clearly my pleadings aren't going to make God go, "oh, how silly I've been. I change My awesome and almighty mind now." my prayers should be changing and humbling me according to His grace and power. easier said than done. i don't always like to be changed and humbled. but i think i need to be.

if this desire in my heart is not of the Lord, i wish it would just leave, because it hurts to hope for a hopeless cause.

how did i get this old?

i know. i get it. birthdays come every year. i am one of those obnoxious people who just love birthdays. my own birthdays, other people's birthdays, everything. obviously, i am usually far more excited about my own birthday because...well, the day is all about me.
i feel like i'm silly for loving birthdays so much. am i all the sudden too old to be excited to get older? sure, the future is scary, but i am still so excited for what it has to bring. i feel like my best years are still to come. i am constantly growing, figuring myself out, and i feel like there must come a point where i feel grown up. ...right?
will i get to that point where i feel like i have things figured out? is there a plan that will slowly materialized as i embark toward the future? i like to think so. i like to think it will all work out for the best and make sense at some point. i like to think that i will indeed fall deeply in love with some wonderful man some day. i like to think that security and total happiness are just around the corner. they are.
what i forget sometimes, though, is that security and total happiness are already here in a lot of ways. in michael cunningham's book the hours, there is a scene in which clarissa, "mrs. dalloway," describes a moment in her youth where she believed that happiness was just about to materialize, but, she reflects, that was the happiness. that moment. that was it. so, with this lesson, i am, in my youth, being very careful not to put all of my hopes into some time in the future where life will be bliss, but instead to treasure each moment and each experience and learn as much as i can and love God as much as i can and have as much fun as life can have.
all this to say that i am still excited for birthdays. only 30 minutes left in this year's birthday -- it flew by! i don't care if my peers from here on out are less than excited to be getting older, i hope i never lose that.